The Husband needs help.

About 6 months ago, some memories from his childhood surfaced. Memories that involved a Scout leader and camping.

He had some really rough days where he couldn't get out of bed. Through a series of fortunate events, he started meeting with a counselor. It helped a bit. After a few months he stopped going, saying that he didn't think there was any more to discuss.

That's a lie.

He's had a few bad days since then. If scouting or camping comes up, it can give him bad dreams. If people touch his back, he gets jumpy. He's had anxiety attacks.

Interestingly enough, he doesn't hold much resentment or anger towards the scout leader. He understands that the man was sick in his head. (The man is currently serving time in federal prison for similar offenses against other boys.) But the Husband hates his mother for it. He has had several "episodes" involving his mother. Essentially, he has vivid dreams and lives them a little bit when he wakes. He actually looks like a little kid, hiding under his blanket. He repeats over and over, "Don't make me go. Don't make me go."

I respond in the way that he wanted his mother to respond. "You don't have to go. You can stay home. You never have to go back. I believe you."

But he doesn't believe me when I say those things. He just cries and asks why no one saw what has happening.

He harbors a LOT of resentment toward his mother for not seeing it. She is fiercely protective, but she didn't protect him at the one time he needed it most. I don't think he realizes that that is the reason he hates his mother so much.

So outside of the counseling he obviously needs more of, he also needs medication. He needs anti-anxiety medication. I believe he's also got some chemical imbalances and is in a clinical depression. I believe the resurfacing of his memories have greatly added to it, but I'm pretty sure he was clinically depressed before all this.

He doesn't sleep well. The man dreams all night. His mind is always going. He is never well rested when he wakes. He often asks me how I have the power to get out of bed in the morning. It takes all the willpower he can muster just to sit up.

But he's a man. So of course he is really resisting going back to a therapist. He met with one for a month or two in the summer, but then felt things were better and and decided to stop. His therapist supported the decision. I never went to a session with him and I wish I had. I know there's a LOT more he needs to work through.

He STRONGLY resists the thought of medicating for any of this. Hates taking Tylenol. Hates hates HATES medication. Thinks he can just suck it up.

But he was barely able to get out of bed yesterday because his dreams were so vivid. He was afraid to get out of bed. He was able to pull it together just enough to make it through church. But right before we left, we were in the garage and I could see how hard it was for him -- that he was still afraid. I suggested taking two cars so he could come home if he needed it. The most terrified look came over his face. Like it was just TOO MUCH to think about having to drive. I backpedaled and told him to never mind. I held his hand and told him that it was okay and to take a deep breath.

At the beginning of the month, again on a Sunday, he had a REALLY bad episode. He could not get out of bed and actually stayed home from church. If you knew The Husband, you would realize what a big deal that was. He never ever misses church. But he could not pull himself out of it.

I think that most of the episodes occur on Sunday because that's where the leader was -- at church. And there are always announcements about Scouts at church. I shared this theory with him last night -- that his subconscious knows what's coming the next day and relives past fears.

We had a good talk and I think he's considering more seriously going back into counseling. But I know that he also needs medication, and that means going to a different level of care........

I just don't know what to do for him.

I guess I can pray. I know that the Lord loves him and wants him to be well and whole. I guess I just need to have faith and be there for him, whatever he chooses to do.

About my mom

I talked to my mom the other day on the phone. It was close to dinner time, and I was saying that I wasn't sure what I was going to cook. I told her I wanted to make something the Husband really liked because his job has really been stressful of late. I've been trying to make life at home as good as it can be since his job sucks.

My mom said, "Well, you know, you do what you can."

Like the idea of doing something nice for her husband was very foreign to her.



And no, nothing about their marriage has ever come up in conversation. I've decided that if she's not going to talk about it, then I'm not either. I mean, what could I say? "So, have you decided if you're leaving Dad or not?"

She's talked about the possibility of going to beauty school -- becoming a hairdresser. But it'll cost a lot of money. I have a feeling she's considering it so she'll have income in the event of a divorce. She's come to me for advice or just my thoughts on the matter and I can't tell her what I think.

Because what I think is this: If she's doing it to fulfill herself, fine.

If she's doing for a safety net, I DON'T WANT HER TO HAVE A SAFETY NET.

Now, I obviously don't have all the facts on their marriage. But I did live with them for 18 years, and have observed quite a bit as an adult. My dad adores my mom. He lives his life to make her happy. He helps around the house, tries to be romantic, cooks, and is funny. He is more passive as a parent, which I know is frustrating for my mom.

But to my knowledge, my father has never cheated. He has never beat any member of his family. The harshest I ever remember him being was when I was 8 years old. We were on family vacation, sleeping in a hotel. My brother and I weren't going to sleep and just kept giggling all night. My dad yelled at us to SHUT UP. And we did. But that is the only time I remember his raising his voice or using "harsh" language.

I don't know why my mom feels the way she does. I realize that I don't know the details of their marriage, so I probably shouldn't judge.

But its my parents. And I don't know how they are going to end up.