Update on Husband

Things are better with Husband. I talked to my Bishop. Husband began to meet with a conselor from LDS Family Services. He was able to work through some of his issues.

Interestingly , he harbors no ill feelings toward his scout leader. He knows the man was sick. But Husband is upset with his parents, mostly his mother, for making him go to Scouts when he didn't want to. I have been present for a few of his therapy sessions the memories that he focuses on all have to do with his parents. I think that deep down, he hates his mother for making him go.

Husband went to a few therapy sessions this summer. They seem to have helped, but he stopped again because he didn't feel the counselor could help him anymore. After meeting with her myself, I agree. The counselor doesn't seem terribly competent.

I know that he still has issues to work through regarding his mother. Sundays are still rough for him, some more than others. I personally think he needs an anti-anxiety medication to take on Sundays, but that'll never happen. I'm also pretty sure he has sleep apnea, though that will go untreated as well.

So all in all, things are better with him, but not great. Scout uniforms creep him out. All this stuff about the Penn State pedophile creeps him out. Last Sunday he woke up from his nap just fine, but 30 minutes later eating our lasagna he became really scared for some reason. Was hunched over with his eyes darting. He looked like a scared little kid. After dinner he curled up into the fetal position with a blanket for nearly an hour. But that was extreme.

One really great thing concerning Husband is his relationship with our daughter. She LOVES her daddy. Much sooner and more than our boys did at this age. (Just over 18 mos.) She loves to give him kisses and hugs and runs to him when he comes home. She loves to sit on his lap and mooch food. She cuddles him and laughs and plays with him......and he is putty in her hands.

He's never been the kind to dote or wanted a "Daddy's Girl." But I think he's got one and he's not quite ready for it. It's pretty sweet.

The Husband needs help.

About 6 months ago, some memories from his childhood surfaced. Memories that involved a Scout leader and camping.

He had some really rough days where he couldn't get out of bed. Through a series of fortunate events, he started meeting with a counselor. It helped a bit. After a few months he stopped going, saying that he didn't think there was any more to discuss.

That's a lie.

He's had a few bad days since then. If scouting or camping comes up, it can give him bad dreams. If people touch his back, he gets jumpy. He's had anxiety attacks.

Interestingly enough, he doesn't hold much resentment or anger towards the scout leader. He understands that the man was sick in his head. (The man is currently serving time in federal prison for similar offenses against other boys.) But the Husband hates his mother for it. He has had several "episodes" involving his mother. Essentially, he has vivid dreams and lives them a little bit when he wakes. He actually looks like a little kid, hiding under his blanket. He repeats over and over, "Don't make me go. Don't make me go."

I respond in the way that he wanted his mother to respond. "You don't have to go. You can stay home. You never have to go back. I believe you."

But he doesn't believe me when I say those things. He just cries and asks why no one saw what has happening.

He harbors a LOT of resentment toward his mother for not seeing it. She is fiercely protective, but she didn't protect him at the one time he needed it most. I don't think he realizes that that is the reason he hates his mother so much.

So outside of the counseling he obviously needs more of, he also needs medication. He needs anti-anxiety medication. I believe he's also got some chemical imbalances and is in a clinical depression. I believe the resurfacing of his memories have greatly added to it, but I'm pretty sure he was clinically depressed before all this.

He doesn't sleep well. The man dreams all night. His mind is always going. He is never well rested when he wakes. He often asks me how I have the power to get out of bed in the morning. It takes all the willpower he can muster just to sit up.

But he's a man. So of course he is really resisting going back to a therapist. He met with one for a month or two in the summer, but then felt things were better and and decided to stop. His therapist supported the decision. I never went to a session with him and I wish I had. I know there's a LOT more he needs to work through.

He STRONGLY resists the thought of medicating for any of this. Hates taking Tylenol. Hates hates HATES medication. Thinks he can just suck it up.

But he was barely able to get out of bed yesterday because his dreams were so vivid. He was afraid to get out of bed. He was able to pull it together just enough to make it through church. But right before we left, we were in the garage and I could see how hard it was for him -- that he was still afraid. I suggested taking two cars so he could come home if he needed it. The most terrified look came over his face. Like it was just TOO MUCH to think about having to drive. I backpedaled and told him to never mind. I held his hand and told him that it was okay and to take a deep breath.

At the beginning of the month, again on a Sunday, he had a REALLY bad episode. He could not get out of bed and actually stayed home from church. If you knew The Husband, you would realize what a big deal that was. He never ever misses church. But he could not pull himself out of it.

I think that most of the episodes occur on Sunday because that's where the leader was -- at church. And there are always announcements about Scouts at church. I shared this theory with him last night -- that his subconscious knows what's coming the next day and relives past fears.

We had a good talk and I think he's considering more seriously going back into counseling. But I know that he also needs medication, and that means going to a different level of care........

I just don't know what to do for him.

I guess I can pray. I know that the Lord loves him and wants him to be well and whole. I guess I just need to have faith and be there for him, whatever he chooses to do.

Good news, good news

Husband and I had a long stretch of uninterrupted time the other day, and we talked. We were more honest with each other than we've been in a while. It was so cathartic. We talked about the baby. We talked about money. We talked about the girl he wanted to adopt. We talked about our need to change our family's spiritual habits.

Our relationship is so much stronger -- I can already feel it. Our problem is that we're both so passive aggressive. We'll let things go for months rather than confront each other. We both recognize that it's not healthy, and are working on it. Talking the other day helped so much.

Oh, and a note to Kristina -- we did discuss removing the IUD. I was ready for another baby -- he was stil hung up on the adoption that he didn't make happen. I told him I thought it was time for it to come out. He wasn't happy about it, but he said if I thought it was right, then I should do it. However, I was a bit dishonest in that I didn't let him know when the appointment was. It was just easier not to talk about it again. But I didn't make the decision to remove it and have it done without discussing it with Husband. And I plan to make an appointment with the bishop soon. We both need some guidance.

Thanks for your thoughts and support, everyone.

good news, bad news

The good news is: I'm pregnant!


The bad news is: Husband is NOT excited about it.

About a year ago, he decided he wanted to adopt a certain girl in the foster care system. There's a long story behind that, but that's the gist of it. I was kind of blown away by this, but decided to persue because he felt so strongly about it. We took the classes, graduated from them, and had a few things left to do to qualify.

Well, those things didn't get done. I didn't do them, because it was Husband's idea. If he wanted to do it, he needed to fill out the rest of the paper work or whatever else we had left. He didn't want to do it because I wasn't 100% on board. But I never had been. Finally by the end of the classes, the best I could do was say that if he felt it was right, I was just going to trust that.

For the record, I prayed about it. A LOT. But every time I prayed, I couldn't get past how much I wanted a baby. We have two children, but they are getting older and older. I already have more of a gap between my youngest and our next than I wanted. I knew if we adopted, the gap would increase by another 2 years, if not more.

Anyway.............nearly a year later, and nothing more has happened with adoption. The girl he thought was supposed to be with us was in the process of being adopted by her foster family when we started taking the classes 10 months ago. I really don't know how she would've come to us -- what judge would award custody to a couple who qualified as fasoter parents JUST for a specific ten-year-old girl over the family she'd been part of for the last 6 months of more?

Well now, Husband feels like God is displeased with his (our) actions. Like we're living a "junior varsity" version of our life -- not the "varsity" version God had in mind. Two days after Husband comes to this realization, I'm late for my period. He thinks this is God swifftly moving on with Plan B.

I kind of have a problem with that. I have a problem with thinking that fulfilling covenants and obeying the counsel of the prophet is "Plan B."

Husband thinks we can't afford a new baby. (How he thought we could afford a ten-year-old, I don't know. I guess he was willing to do it because he thought it was what God wanted.) We'll have to get a new car, and he's worried about medical bills. But we are more stable financially now than we were when we had our first two. Our last child was completely free because we were on Medicaid. It would be one thing if we had four children and were still living in this 3 bedroom home. But that's not the case. I don't think we are in a bad enough financial spot to delay children. I honestly feel that if we have faith, God will provide.

A few weeks ago, we were discussing buying another car. Husband was quite pessimistic about it. We were both pretty quiet by the end of the night. As he was getting into bed and I was washing my face and what not, I said, "What is it that you're mad about?" "I'm not mad," he said.

"Okay. Well, then what is it you're thinking right now."

"I'm just tired of being the one to make all your dreams come true."

Whoa. OUCH.

I didn't respond. He was asleep or pretending to be by the time I got in bed.

Then last night, we were discussing the car again. We actually listed it online last night. Just before Husband was getting in the shower, I picked up his phone and opened it to see the time. At that EXACT moment, someone was calling about the car. I talked to them briefly, then said I was goign to ask my husband about when they could come and look at the car. I went and asked him, and he said, "Just set up a time tomorrow!" I responded that our car was filthy and would need to be cleaned out before someone came. "So clean it and have them come over." I explained that I would prefer not to have a strange man come to our home while the Husband was gone. However, Wednesdays are his game nights. He might be home between 5:30 and 6:30. So he told me to tell the guy six.

I picked up the phone, but the guy wasn't there anymore. A minute later, he got a text message that I could see was from the same number. I looked at it, and the guy explained that his cell was out of range and he wanted to know when he could come over. I almost texted his back, but Husband is kind of finicky about his text messages. He's always afraid of going over and rarely texts. I wasnt' sure if he wanted to call the guy back and just leave a message or what.

10 minutes later, Husband is out of the shower. I tell him about the text. "What? You didn't talk to him?" No, his call had been dropped by the time I picked up the phone. "And you didn't send him a text back?" No.......

"I'm just tired of being the one to make all your fantasies real. You have this baby fantasy that...." and he trailed off as he started texting the guy back.

Once I got over my shock and bit of anger at calling our baby a "fantasy" I said, "I did not text him because you never like to text anyone. I didn't want to send a text from your phone without your approval. I thought you might want to call him instead. Also, I am not comfortable with him coming over while you are gone. You're going to be the one to make the final decision anyway, so I thought you should be here."

(Up until a year and half ago, I was in charge of the money situation in our marriage. I didn't spend uncontrollably, but I definitely didn't have the more responsible spending habits I do now. Just a short while after we bought our first home, Husband took over the finances. I get spending cash each payday that I buy groceries and anything "fun" with.)

My point is, I no longer feel like I have any financial control. We discuss finances regularly, but nothing changes. Everytime I request more money, he just says it isn't there. That's true, but only to a degree. he pays $50-$75 extra on our car payment every month. This means our car will be paid off early, but it also means we NEVER go out. EVER.

Anyway...........I have little to no say in financial things anymore. So for him to think I'd be completely in control of selling our car seems a bit ridiculous to me. He has taken that power from me. But he resents the fact that he has to do anything to sell the car since I'm the one who wanted the baby.

Along with that.............I'm honestly afraid of miscarrying because of his attitude. I know that doesn't make sense legitimately, but the fear is there. I'm so scared to tell people I'm pregnant because I don't want to tell them if I miscarry. I have this news I'm so excited about, but I feel like I can't be excited about it. My Husband is drastically less than excited, and I'm so afraid of miscarrying because of it.

A few months ago when we discussed removing the IUD, I said I didn't want to do it if he didn't want to. I didn't want to bring an unwanted child into our family. He said he knew exactly how I felt. I told him that I had done the best I could and had left the decision up to him. If he thought it was right, then I trusted him. But then he did nothing.

At that point, I felt it was right to get my IUD removed. And I decided to act on it instead of waiting for my husband, because I had a feeling he would never think it was right. Which is wrong.

I feel the same now. I don't want to bring an unwanted child into our family. But *I* want this baby. I just learned a few weeks ago that my own father felt unwanted. He was born a lot closer after his sister than his mom wanted, and he knew it growing up.

No child should EVER feel that way! And if this baby's a girl (which I want DESPERATELY), I'm doubly scared for her. Husband thinks girls are much harder than boys and honestly would be more than okay with never having a daughter. (For the record, I would love a boy every bit as much as a girl. Of course.)

I just don't know what to do. I honestly think this is has sent Husband into a minor depression. I've suspected for a while that he has some chemical imbalances (runs in his family), and he has SERIOUS sleep issues, but of course he doesn't think it's a big deal and doesn't want to do anything about it. But ever since I told him I was pregant, he's had a harder time. His sleeping habits are even worse. He's more pessimistic than ever. Getting out of bed in the morning is harder than ever. On more than one occasion he's said, "I just have no motivation whatsoever to get out of bed. How do you do it? What is it that makes you get out of bed every morning?"

I told him that I wasn't quite sure what made me get up, other than the fact that I didn't have an overwhelming desire NOT to.

Alright. I should close and try to go back to sleep. I'll discuss more of my husband's depression issues later. Maybe.