Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Good news, good news

Husband and I had a long stretch of uninterrupted time the other day, and we talked. We were more honest with each other than we've been in a while. It was so cathartic. We talked about the baby. We talked about money. We talked about the girl he wanted to adopt. We talked about our need to change our family's spiritual habits.

Our relationship is so much stronger -- I can already feel it. Our problem is that we're both so passive aggressive. We'll let things go for months rather than confront each other. We both recognize that it's not healthy, and are working on it. Talking the other day helped so much.

Oh, and a note to Kristina -- we did discuss removing the IUD. I was ready for another baby -- he was stil hung up on the adoption that he didn't make happen. I told him I thought it was time for it to come out. He wasn't happy about it, but he said if I thought it was right, then I should do it. However, I was a bit dishonest in that I didn't let him know when the appointment was. It was just easier not to talk about it again. But I didn't make the decision to remove it and have it done without discussing it with Husband. And I plan to make an appointment with the bishop soon. We both need some guidance.

Thanks for your thoughts and support, everyone.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

good news, bad news

The good news is: I'm pregnant!


The bad news is: Husband is NOT excited about it.

About a year ago, he decided he wanted to adopt a certain girl in the foster care system. There's a long story behind that, but that's the gist of it. I was kind of blown away by this, but decided to persue because he felt so strongly about it. We took the classes, graduated from them, and had a few things left to do to qualify.

Well, those things didn't get done. I didn't do them, because it was Husband's idea. If he wanted to do it, he needed to fill out the rest of the paper work or whatever else we had left. He didn't want to do it because I wasn't 100% on board. But I never had been. Finally by the end of the classes, the best I could do was say that if he felt it was right, I was just going to trust that.

For the record, I prayed about it. A LOT. But every time I prayed, I couldn't get past how much I wanted a baby. We have two children, but they are getting older and older. I already have more of a gap between my youngest and our next than I wanted. I knew if we adopted, the gap would increase by another 2 years, if not more.

Anyway.............nearly a year later, and nothing more has happened with adoption. The girl he thought was supposed to be with us was in the process of being adopted by her foster family when we started taking the classes 10 months ago. I really don't know how she would've come to us -- what judge would award custody to a couple who qualified as fasoter parents JUST for a specific ten-year-old girl over the family she'd been part of for the last 6 months of more?

Well now, Husband feels like God is displeased with his (our) actions. Like we're living a "junior varsity" version of our life -- not the "varsity" version God had in mind. Two days after Husband comes to this realization, I'm late for my period. He thinks this is God swifftly moving on with Plan B.

I kind of have a problem with that. I have a problem with thinking that fulfilling covenants and obeying the counsel of the prophet is "Plan B."

Husband thinks we can't afford a new baby. (How he thought we could afford a ten-year-old, I don't know. I guess he was willing to do it because he thought it was what God wanted.) We'll have to get a new car, and he's worried about medical bills. But we are more stable financially now than we were when we had our first two. Our last child was completely free because we were on Medicaid. It would be one thing if we had four children and were still living in this 3 bedroom home. But that's not the case. I don't think we are in a bad enough financial spot to delay children. I honestly feel that if we have faith, God will provide.

A few weeks ago, we were discussing buying another car. Husband was quite pessimistic about it. We were both pretty quiet by the end of the night. As he was getting into bed and I was washing my face and what not, I said, "What is it that you're mad about?" "I'm not mad," he said.

"Okay. Well, then what is it you're thinking right now."

"I'm just tired of being the one to make all your dreams come true."

Whoa. OUCH.

I didn't respond. He was asleep or pretending to be by the time I got in bed.

Then last night, we were discussing the car again. We actually listed it online last night. Just before Husband was getting in the shower, I picked up his phone and opened it to see the time. At that EXACT moment, someone was calling about the car. I talked to them briefly, then said I was goign to ask my husband about when they could come and look at the car. I went and asked him, and he said, "Just set up a time tomorrow!" I responded that our car was filthy and would need to be cleaned out before someone came. "So clean it and have them come over." I explained that I would prefer not to have a strange man come to our home while the Husband was gone. However, Wednesdays are his game nights. He might be home between 5:30 and 6:30. So he told me to tell the guy six.

I picked up the phone, but the guy wasn't there anymore. A minute later, he got a text message that I could see was from the same number. I looked at it, and the guy explained that his cell was out of range and he wanted to know when he could come over. I almost texted his back, but Husband is kind of finicky about his text messages. He's always afraid of going over and rarely texts. I wasnt' sure if he wanted to call the guy back and just leave a message or what.

10 minutes later, Husband is out of the shower. I tell him about the text. "What? You didn't talk to him?" No, his call had been dropped by the time I picked up the phone. "And you didn't send him a text back?" No.......

"I'm just tired of being the one to make all your fantasies real. You have this baby fantasy that...." and he trailed off as he started texting the guy back.

Once I got over my shock and bit of anger at calling our baby a "fantasy" I said, "I did not text him because you never like to text anyone. I didn't want to send a text from your phone without your approval. I thought you might want to call him instead. Also, I am not comfortable with him coming over while you are gone. You're going to be the one to make the final decision anyway, so I thought you should be here."

(Up until a year and half ago, I was in charge of the money situation in our marriage. I didn't spend uncontrollably, but I definitely didn't have the more responsible spending habits I do now. Just a short while after we bought our first home, Husband took over the finances. I get spending cash each payday that I buy groceries and anything "fun" with.)

My point is, I no longer feel like I have any financial control. We discuss finances regularly, but nothing changes. Everytime I request more money, he just says it isn't there. That's true, but only to a degree. he pays $50-$75 extra on our car payment every month. This means our car will be paid off early, but it also means we NEVER go out. EVER.

Anyway...........I have little to no say in financial things anymore. So for him to think I'd be completely in control of selling our car seems a bit ridiculous to me. He has taken that power from me. But he resents the fact that he has to do anything to sell the car since I'm the one who wanted the baby.

Along with that.............I'm honestly afraid of miscarrying because of his attitude. I know that doesn't make sense legitimately, but the fear is there. I'm so scared to tell people I'm pregnant because I don't want to tell them if I miscarry. I have this news I'm so excited about, but I feel like I can't be excited about it. My Husband is drastically less than excited, and I'm so afraid of miscarrying because of it.


A few months ago when we discussed removing the IUD, I said I didn't want to do it if he didn't want to. I didn't want to bring an unwanted child into our family. He said he knew exactly how I felt. I told him that I had done the best I could and had left the decision up to him. If he thought it was right, then I trusted him. But then he did nothing.

At that point, I felt it was right to get my IUD removed. And I decided to act on it instead of waiting for my husband, because I had a feeling he would never think it was right. Which is wrong.

I feel the same now. I don't want to bring an unwanted child into our family. But *I* want this baby. I just learned a few weeks ago that my own father felt unwanted. He was born a lot closer after his sister than his mom wanted, and he knew it growing up.

No child should EVER feel that way! And if this baby's a girl (which I want DESPERATELY), I'm doubly scared for her. Husband thinks girls are much harder than boys and honestly would be more than okay with never having a daughter. (For the record, I would love a boy every bit as much as a girl. Of course.)

I just don't know what to do. I honestly think this is has sent Husband into a minor depression. I've suspected for a while that he has some chemical imbalances (runs in his family), and he has SERIOUS sleep issues, but of course he doesn't think it's a big deal and doesn't want to do anything about it. But ever since I told him I was pregant, he's had a harder time. His sleeping habits are even worse. He's more pessimistic than ever. Getting out of bed in the morning is harder than ever. On more than one occasion he's said, "I just have no motivation whatsoever to get out of bed. How do you do it? What is it that makes you get out of bed every morning?"

I told him that I wasn't quite sure what made me get up, other than the fact that I didn't have an overwhelming desire NOT to.

Alright. I should close and try to go back to sleep. I'll discuss more of my husband's depression issues later. Maybe.