I had errors after typing up this post this morning, and thought I had lost half of it. I didn't get the screen telling me my post had been successfully published and I was SO MAD. I'd spent half the morning typing the thing up and getting it off my chest and out there for feedback, just to have it disappear.
So I was pleasantly surprised to see comments in my inbox! Yay!
Emily -- it's definitely not apostate to wonder why the church still uses scouting. I wonder occasionally, and I'm in the program. Something that I learned recently is that the Church continues to use the BSA program because of all the training they offer. No other calling offers the training that scouting does. (Of course, no other program needs it as much. If there weren't so many rules and whatnot, it wouldn't be a big deal!) But that's something I'd never heard before. The Church is a big fan of the safety training, leadership training, etc. So they stick with it. Makes a little bit more sense than "scouting is the activity arm of the priesthood."
And thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it. I'd post something like this on my other blog, but I don't want members of my ward (who of course read and never comment) to know all this. You ladies rock.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Overwhelmed
I have a serious problem saying no.
I have three callings in my ward. One is music related and easy. I enjoy it. Another is Relief Society related. I love it as well. I feel really strongly about unifying the sisters in our ward. We have a TON of new people moving in, and want every sister to feel like she actually has a sisterhood to turn to if she needs it. I've always played a big role in our activities, but I've recently been asked to serve in a more official capacity. I'm excited about it, because I have lots of ideas and things I want to do.
I have one more calling. It's one I share with my husband. And this is where I struggle. We serve in cub scouts. I served in cubs in my last ward, too. All in all, I've been working with the cubs for over 3 years.
Here are my "issues" with the calling:
• Husband and I share the calling. While sometimes this is nice, it's not ideal for the calling we have. There are several meetings to attend, but only one of us can attend because the other needs to be home with the kids.
• Husband HATES scouts. With the burning passion of a thousand suns. (Well, maybe not quite that much, but almost.) One of the scout leaders from his past is serving a prison sentence for molesting Husband's cousin. Plus, it's so annoying cheesy he just can't stand it.
• I've sent husband to the meetings to get some training, because I know how important training is. I also know that I come home from each training with a new desire to better serve the cubs scouts. But when Husband goes to the meetings..........he seems to get nothing out of it, except for how cheesy everything is. He doesn't take notes. Which leaves me completely high and dry when it comes to planning. So I go to the meetings and he stays with the kids.
• Sharing a calling with your spouse is not easy. It's not like he's the leader and I'm his assistant. Or vice versa. If it were that way, it'd be a lot easier. As it is, I go to the 2 planning meetings, plan everything pack night, run all the errands beforehand, and he executes the actual meeting.
The other issue is that pack night and enrichment are in the same week. One is Tuesday, one is Thursday. It turns into hell week for me. I am not a planner or organizer. I am a habitual procrastinator. There are commities that help plan and execute, but there are always things to be done the day of. Or the day before. And there are ALWAYS things I forget. It would probably be that way even if I were that classic type-A personality. But I'm a pretty laid-back person. I'm not a worrier at all. So I don't ever think about all I need to do until it needs to be done. I go completely crazy stressing that week because I don't stress about it at any other time.
Yesterday I was thinking that I should just try to move one of the activities to a different week. But if enrichment is the first Thursday, it's so early in the month that everyone forgets. It's can't be the second Thursday, because that's our monthly scout planning meeting. It can't be the third Thursday, because all the old ladies in our ward have a book group that they attend, and get their panties in a twist if we plan stuff on that night. So it has to be the 4th Thursday.
I think it would be possible to change pack night. Right now, Round Table, where we get all our helps for the next month, is held on the 2nd Thursday. Then we hold a meeting with the ward we combine with on the third Sunday to plan the next month's pack night and review assignments for the upcoming one. Pack night is the fourth Tuesday, either 2 days or 9 days after that meeting. It's nice to have it scheduled like that because we always review assignments close to the pack night.
If we move pack night to the first Tuesday, it's just farther away from our meeting. Boys will have earned awards we might not be aware of. People (like me) will be prone to procrastinate or forget the things they are supposed to do. If it's the 2nd Tuesday, that's even more likely. And then we have another scouth meeting (Round Table) two days later. If it's the third Tuesday, it's either two days after our meeting or 3.5 weeks after. So really, the 4th Tuesday is the best option.
Which leaves me right where I started.
And have I mentioned that I've become more involved in my community? I'm helping a friend with a production, and have been made a council member.
Like I said, I have problems saying no.
Last week (hell week) I was so stressed. I decided that I was going to talk to the bishop. But I never scheduled an appointment. Then after the week was over, I was like, "Oh, it's really not that bad....." even though it is. We have a lot of new people moving into our ward, and I don't exactly live "in the mission field." There's no reason for a person to have 3 callings in my ward. Especially when we have 2 gospel doctrine classes and two teachers for each class. And THREE people called as substitues. (Isn't that ridiculous?!)
My main reason for deciding against talking with the bishop about it all is Husband. I'm not sure if I've discussed it here, but he's a pretty black and white kind of guy. All callings come from God. Period. "Questioning" your priesthood leaders is walking a dangerous line. You do not refuse callings. Period. When God wants you to be released, He'll release you.
I don't see the world quite like that -- there are shades of gray. For sure. Some callings are 100% inspiration. Others are 50% inspiration, 50% knowing the person has done something similar before. And yet others are10% inspiration, 90% desperation. (I'm sure you've heard that before.) I don't think the fact that I've have music related callings in EVERY single ward I've been in is 100% inspiration.
So I don't think it would be wrong of me to discuss all this with the bishop. I know he doesn't realize all I do. He doesn't know all that I do to plan and execute the meetings that fall within 2 days of each other. He doesn't realize that only one of us is able to attend meetings because the other has to be home with the kids. I don't think it would be a sin to make him aware of that.
The problem comes because I'd like to ask to be released from scouts, but I'm not sure if that's right. I know that I've done a lot for our program. (Arrogant, but true.) We have a small number of boys, and scouts can be difficult when you only have a few boys coming. I arranged for us to combine with another ward and things are running beautifully now. We have enough boys and leaders for everything. Pack night doesn't feel like a total waste of time and effort because we actually have people that attend. It's honestly something I'm proud of. But at the same time, I don't think it's necessarily right for me to say, "I've left my mark -- now release me."
I think it would be better to make the bishop of aware of everything, then let him (or God) decide what I should be released from, if anything. But I don't want to be released from enrichment or being the organist!
Another problem is that when it comes to scouting, there is just SO much to know. I've been working with scouts for 3 years, and I still feel like there's a lot I need to learn. So I'd feel bad asking to leave the calling, knowing that (most likely) someone who doesn't know mucb about scouts would be called. And they'd be even more overwhelmed than I am because they don't know all that I do!! I realize that's the case when anyone gets a new calling, but it's different when you ask to be released from it.
Another problem..........being released from cubs releases Husband, too. I'd feel really bad asking to be released, then both of us being released, when he thinks it's wrong to ask. (You follow?) I feel guilty enough for essentially making the decision not to adopt and have our own child instead, when it's not what he thought we should do. (That's going a bit better, BTW, but there's still some underlying tension.)
So.......I don't know what to do. I think instead of talking to the bishop I'm going to talk to our primary president. That's in keeping with the chain of command, anyway. (Although in a recent scout correlation meeting with the other ward, I mentioned having 2 other callings. The other ward's bishopric counselor in attendance was like "What? You need to talk to Bro. Young about that!" -Bro. Young's a counselor from my ward that he knows- So maybe the fact that a bishopric member told me to talk to another bishopric member is a good enough reason for me to do it.)
What do you guys think?
I have three callings in my ward. One is music related and easy. I enjoy it. Another is Relief Society related. I love it as well. I feel really strongly about unifying the sisters in our ward. We have a TON of new people moving in, and want every sister to feel like she actually has a sisterhood to turn to if she needs it. I've always played a big role in our activities, but I've recently been asked to serve in a more official capacity. I'm excited about it, because I have lots of ideas and things I want to do.
I have one more calling. It's one I share with my husband. And this is where I struggle. We serve in cub scouts. I served in cubs in my last ward, too. All in all, I've been working with the cubs for over 3 years.
Here are my "issues" with the calling:
• Husband and I share the calling. While sometimes this is nice, it's not ideal for the calling we have. There are several meetings to attend, but only one of us can attend because the other needs to be home with the kids.
• Husband HATES scouts. With the burning passion of a thousand suns. (Well, maybe not quite that much, but almost.) One of the scout leaders from his past is serving a prison sentence for molesting Husband's cousin. Plus, it's so annoying cheesy he just can't stand it.
• I've sent husband to the meetings to get some training, because I know how important training is. I also know that I come home from each training with a new desire to better serve the cubs scouts. But when Husband goes to the meetings..........he seems to get nothing out of it, except for how cheesy everything is. He doesn't take notes. Which leaves me completely high and dry when it comes to planning. So I go to the meetings and he stays with the kids.
• Sharing a calling with your spouse is not easy. It's not like he's the leader and I'm his assistant. Or vice versa. If it were that way, it'd be a lot easier. As it is, I go to the 2 planning meetings, plan everything pack night, run all the errands beforehand, and he executes the actual meeting.
The other issue is that pack night and enrichment are in the same week. One is Tuesday, one is Thursday. It turns into hell week for me. I am not a planner or organizer. I am a habitual procrastinator. There are commities that help plan and execute, but there are always things to be done the day of. Or the day before. And there are ALWAYS things I forget. It would probably be that way even if I were that classic type-A personality. But I'm a pretty laid-back person. I'm not a worrier at all. So I don't ever think about all I need to do until it needs to be done. I go completely crazy stressing that week because I don't stress about it at any other time.
Yesterday I was thinking that I should just try to move one of the activities to a different week. But if enrichment is the first Thursday, it's so early in the month that everyone forgets. It's can't be the second Thursday, because that's our monthly scout planning meeting. It can't be the third Thursday, because all the old ladies in our ward have a book group that they attend, and get their panties in a twist if we plan stuff on that night. So it has to be the 4th Thursday.
I think it would be possible to change pack night. Right now, Round Table, where we get all our helps for the next month, is held on the 2nd Thursday. Then we hold a meeting with the ward we combine with on the third Sunday to plan the next month's pack night and review assignments for the upcoming one. Pack night is the fourth Tuesday, either 2 days or 9 days after that meeting. It's nice to have it scheduled like that because we always review assignments close to the pack night.
If we move pack night to the first Tuesday, it's just farther away from our meeting. Boys will have earned awards we might not be aware of. People (like me) will be prone to procrastinate or forget the things they are supposed to do. If it's the 2nd Tuesday, that's even more likely. And then we have another scouth meeting (Round Table) two days later. If it's the third Tuesday, it's either two days after our meeting or 3.5 weeks after. So really, the 4th Tuesday is the best option.
Which leaves me right where I started.
And have I mentioned that I've become more involved in my community? I'm helping a friend with a production, and have been made a council member.
Like I said, I have problems saying no.
Last week (hell week) I was so stressed. I decided that I was going to talk to the bishop. But I never scheduled an appointment. Then after the week was over, I was like, "Oh, it's really not that bad....." even though it is. We have a lot of new people moving into our ward, and I don't exactly live "in the mission field." There's no reason for a person to have 3 callings in my ward. Especially when we have 2 gospel doctrine classes and two teachers for each class. And THREE people called as substitues. (Isn't that ridiculous?!)
My main reason for deciding against talking with the bishop about it all is Husband. I'm not sure if I've discussed it here, but he's a pretty black and white kind of guy. All callings come from God. Period. "Questioning" your priesthood leaders is walking a dangerous line. You do not refuse callings. Period. When God wants you to be released, He'll release you.
I don't see the world quite like that -- there are shades of gray. For sure. Some callings are 100% inspiration. Others are 50% inspiration, 50% knowing the person has done something similar before. And yet others are10% inspiration, 90% desperation. (I'm sure you've heard that before.) I don't think the fact that I've have music related callings in EVERY single ward I've been in is 100% inspiration.
So I don't think it would be wrong of me to discuss all this with the bishop. I know he doesn't realize all I do. He doesn't know all that I do to plan and execute the meetings that fall within 2 days of each other. He doesn't realize that only one of us is able to attend meetings because the other has to be home with the kids. I don't think it would be a sin to make him aware of that.
The problem comes because I'd like to ask to be released from scouts, but I'm not sure if that's right. I know that I've done a lot for our program. (Arrogant, but true.) We have a small number of boys, and scouts can be difficult when you only have a few boys coming. I arranged for us to combine with another ward and things are running beautifully now. We have enough boys and leaders for everything. Pack night doesn't feel like a total waste of time and effort because we actually have people that attend. It's honestly something I'm proud of. But at the same time, I don't think it's necessarily right for me to say, "I've left my mark -- now release me."
I think it would be better to make the bishop of aware of everything, then let him (or God) decide what I should be released from, if anything. But I don't want to be released from enrichment or being the organist!
Another problem is that when it comes to scouting, there is just SO much to know. I've been working with scouts for 3 years, and I still feel like there's a lot I need to learn. So I'd feel bad asking to leave the calling, knowing that (most likely) someone who doesn't know mucb about scouts would be called. And they'd be even more overwhelmed than I am because they don't know all that I do!! I realize that's the case when anyone gets a new calling, but it's different when you ask to be released from it.
Another problem..........being released from cubs releases Husband, too. I'd feel really bad asking to be released, then both of us being released, when he thinks it's wrong to ask. (You follow?) I feel guilty enough for essentially making the decision not to adopt and have our own child instead, when it's not what he thought we should do. (That's going a bit better, BTW, but there's still some underlying tension.)
So.......I don't know what to do. I think instead of talking to the bishop I'm going to talk to our primary president. That's in keeping with the chain of command, anyway. (Although in a recent scout correlation meeting with the other ward, I mentioned having 2 other callings. The other ward's bishopric counselor in attendance was like "What? You need to talk to Bro. Young about that!" -Bro. Young's a counselor from my ward that he knows- So maybe the fact that a bishopric member told me to talk to another bishopric member is a good enough reason for me to do it.)
What do you guys think?
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Good news, good news
Husband and I had a long stretch of uninterrupted time the other day, and we talked. We were more honest with each other than we've been in a while. It was so cathartic. We talked about the baby. We talked about money. We talked about the girl he wanted to adopt. We talked about our need to change our family's spiritual habits.
Our relationship is so much stronger -- I can already feel it. Our problem is that we're both so passive aggressive. We'll let things go for months rather than confront each other. We both recognize that it's not healthy, and are working on it. Talking the other day helped so much.
Oh, and a note to Kristina -- we did discuss removing the IUD. I was ready for another baby -- he was stil hung up on the adoption that he didn't make happen. I told him I thought it was time for it to come out. He wasn't happy about it, but he said if I thought it was right, then I should do it. However, I was a bit dishonest in that I didn't let him know when the appointment was. It was just easier not to talk about it again. But I didn't make the decision to remove it and have it done without discussing it with Husband. And I plan to make an appointment with the bishop soon. We both need some guidance.
Thanks for your thoughts and support, everyone.
Our relationship is so much stronger -- I can already feel it. Our problem is that we're both so passive aggressive. We'll let things go for months rather than confront each other. We both recognize that it's not healthy, and are working on it. Talking the other day helped so much.
Oh, and a note to Kristina -- we did discuss removing the IUD. I was ready for another baby -- he was stil hung up on the adoption that he didn't make happen. I told him I thought it was time for it to come out. He wasn't happy about it, but he said if I thought it was right, then I should do it. However, I was a bit dishonest in that I didn't let him know when the appointment was. It was just easier not to talk about it again. But I didn't make the decision to remove it and have it done without discussing it with Husband. And I plan to make an appointment with the bishop soon. We both need some guidance.
Thanks for your thoughts and support, everyone.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
good news, bad news
The good news is: I'm pregnant!
The bad news is: Husband is NOT excited about it.
About a year ago, he decided he wanted to adopt a certain girl in the foster care system. There's a long story behind that, but that's the gist of it. I was kind of blown away by this, but decided to persue because he felt so strongly about it. We took the classes, graduated from them, and had a few things left to do to qualify.
Well, those things didn't get done. I didn't do them, because it was Husband's idea. If he wanted to do it, he needed to fill out the rest of the paper work or whatever else we had left. He didn't want to do it because I wasn't 100% on board. But I never had been. Finally by the end of the classes, the best I could do was say that if he felt it was right, I was just going to trust that.
For the record, I prayed about it. A LOT. But every time I prayed, I couldn't get past how much I wanted a baby. We have two children, but they are getting older and older. I already have more of a gap between my youngest and our next than I wanted. I knew if we adopted, the gap would increase by another 2 years, if not more.
Anyway.............nearly a year later, and nothing more has happened with adoption. The girl he thought was supposed to be with us was in the process of being adopted by her foster family when we started taking the classes 10 months ago. I really don't know how she would've come to us -- what judge would award custody to a couple who qualified as fasoter parents JUST for a specific ten-year-old girl over the family she'd been part of for the last 6 months of more?
Well now, Husband feels like God is displeased with his (our) actions. Like we're living a "junior varsity" version of our life -- not the "varsity" version God had in mind. Two days after Husband comes to this realization, I'm late for my period. He thinks this is God swifftly moving on with Plan B.
I kind of have a problem with that. I have a problem with thinking that fulfilling covenants and obeying the counsel of the prophet is "Plan B."
Husband thinks we can't afford a new baby. (How he thought we could afford a ten-year-old, I don't know. I guess he was willing to do it because he thought it was what God wanted.) We'll have to get a new car, and he's worried about medical bills. But we are more stable financially now than we were when we had our first two. Our last child was completely free because we were on Medicaid. It would be one thing if we had four children and were still living in this 3 bedroom home. But that's not the case. I don't think we are in a bad enough financial spot to delay children. I honestly feel that if we have faith, God will provide.
A few weeks ago, we were discussing buying another car. Husband was quite pessimistic about it. We were both pretty quiet by the end of the night. As he was getting into bed and I was washing my face and what not, I said, "What is it that you're mad about?" "I'm not mad," he said.
"Okay. Well, then what is it you're thinking right now."
"I'm just tired of being the one to make all your dreams come true."
Whoa. OUCH.
I didn't respond. He was asleep or pretending to be by the time I got in bed.
Then last night, we were discussing the car again. We actually listed it online last night. Just before Husband was getting in the shower, I picked up his phone and opened it to see the time. At that EXACT moment, someone was calling about the car. I talked to them briefly, then said I was goign to ask my husband about when they could come and look at the car. I went and asked him, and he said, "Just set up a time tomorrow!" I responded that our car was filthy and would need to be cleaned out before someone came. "So clean it and have them come over." I explained that I would prefer not to have a strange man come to our home while the Husband was gone. However, Wednesdays are his game nights. He might be home between 5:30 and 6:30. So he told me to tell the guy six.
I picked up the phone, but the guy wasn't there anymore. A minute later, he got a text message that I could see was from the same number. I looked at it, and the guy explained that his cell was out of range and he wanted to know when he could come over. I almost texted his back, but Husband is kind of finicky about his text messages. He's always afraid of going over and rarely texts. I wasnt' sure if he wanted to call the guy back and just leave a message or what.
10 minutes later, Husband is out of the shower. I tell him about the text. "What? You didn't talk to him?" No, his call had been dropped by the time I picked up the phone. "And you didn't send him a text back?" No.......
"I'm just tired of being the one to make all your fantasies real. You have this baby fantasy that...." and he trailed off as he started texting the guy back.
Once I got over my shock and bit of anger at calling our baby a "fantasy" I said, "I did not text him because you never like to text anyone. I didn't want to send a text from your phone without your approval. I thought you might want to call him instead. Also, I am not comfortable with him coming over while you are gone. You're going to be the one to make the final decision anyway, so I thought you should be here."
(Up until a year and half ago, I was in charge of the money situation in our marriage. I didn't spend uncontrollably, but I definitely didn't have the more responsible spending habits I do now. Just a short while after we bought our first home, Husband took over the finances. I get spending cash each payday that I buy groceries and anything "fun" with.)
My point is, I no longer feel like I have any financial control. We discuss finances regularly, but nothing changes. Everytime I request more money, he just says it isn't there. That's true, but only to a degree. he pays $50-$75 extra on our car payment every month. This means our car will be paid off early, but it also means we NEVER go out. EVER.
Anyway...........I have little to no say in financial things anymore. So for him to think I'd be completely in control of selling our car seems a bit ridiculous to me. He has taken that power from me. But he resents the fact that he has to do anything to sell the car since I'm the one who wanted the baby.
Along with that.............I'm honestly afraid of miscarrying because of his attitude. I know that doesn't make sense legitimately, but the fear is there. I'm so scared to tell people I'm pregnant because I don't want to tell them if I miscarry. I have this news I'm so excited about, but I feel like I can't be excited about it. My Husband is drastically less than excited, and I'm so afraid of miscarrying because of it.
The bad news is: Husband is NOT excited about it.
About a year ago, he decided he wanted to adopt a certain girl in the foster care system. There's a long story behind that, but that's the gist of it. I was kind of blown away by this, but decided to persue because he felt so strongly about it. We took the classes, graduated from them, and had a few things left to do to qualify.
Well, those things didn't get done. I didn't do them, because it was Husband's idea. If he wanted to do it, he needed to fill out the rest of the paper work or whatever else we had left. He didn't want to do it because I wasn't 100% on board. But I never had been. Finally by the end of the classes, the best I could do was say that if he felt it was right, I was just going to trust that.
For the record, I prayed about it. A LOT. But every time I prayed, I couldn't get past how much I wanted a baby. We have two children, but they are getting older and older. I already have more of a gap between my youngest and our next than I wanted. I knew if we adopted, the gap would increase by another 2 years, if not more.
Anyway.............nearly a year later, and nothing more has happened with adoption. The girl he thought was supposed to be with us was in the process of being adopted by her foster family when we started taking the classes 10 months ago. I really don't know how she would've come to us -- what judge would award custody to a couple who qualified as fasoter parents JUST for a specific ten-year-old girl over the family she'd been part of for the last 6 months of more?
Well now, Husband feels like God is displeased with his (our) actions. Like we're living a "junior varsity" version of our life -- not the "varsity" version God had in mind. Two days after Husband comes to this realization, I'm late for my period. He thinks this is God swifftly moving on with Plan B.
I kind of have a problem with that. I have a problem with thinking that fulfilling covenants and obeying the counsel of the prophet is "Plan B."
Husband thinks we can't afford a new baby. (How he thought we could afford a ten-year-old, I don't know. I guess he was willing to do it because he thought it was what God wanted.) We'll have to get a new car, and he's worried about medical bills. But we are more stable financially now than we were when we had our first two. Our last child was completely free because we were on Medicaid. It would be one thing if we had four children and were still living in this 3 bedroom home. But that's not the case. I don't think we are in a bad enough financial spot to delay children. I honestly feel that if we have faith, God will provide.
A few weeks ago, we were discussing buying another car. Husband was quite pessimistic about it. We were both pretty quiet by the end of the night. As he was getting into bed and I was washing my face and what not, I said, "What is it that you're mad about?" "I'm not mad," he said.
"Okay. Well, then what is it you're thinking right now."
"I'm just tired of being the one to make all your dreams come true."
Whoa. OUCH.
I didn't respond. He was asleep or pretending to be by the time I got in bed.
Then last night, we were discussing the car again. We actually listed it online last night. Just before Husband was getting in the shower, I picked up his phone and opened it to see the time. At that EXACT moment, someone was calling about the car. I talked to them briefly, then said I was goign to ask my husband about when they could come and look at the car. I went and asked him, and he said, "Just set up a time tomorrow!" I responded that our car was filthy and would need to be cleaned out before someone came. "So clean it and have them come over." I explained that I would prefer not to have a strange man come to our home while the Husband was gone. However, Wednesdays are his game nights. He might be home between 5:30 and 6:30. So he told me to tell the guy six.
I picked up the phone, but the guy wasn't there anymore. A minute later, he got a text message that I could see was from the same number. I looked at it, and the guy explained that his cell was out of range and he wanted to know when he could come over. I almost texted his back, but Husband is kind of finicky about his text messages. He's always afraid of going over and rarely texts. I wasnt' sure if he wanted to call the guy back and just leave a message or what.
10 minutes later, Husband is out of the shower. I tell him about the text. "What? You didn't talk to him?" No, his call had been dropped by the time I picked up the phone. "And you didn't send him a text back?" No.......
"I'm just tired of being the one to make all your fantasies real. You have this baby fantasy that...." and he trailed off as he started texting the guy back.
Once I got over my shock and bit of anger at calling our baby a "fantasy" I said, "I did not text him because you never like to text anyone. I didn't want to send a text from your phone without your approval. I thought you might want to call him instead. Also, I am not comfortable with him coming over while you are gone. You're going to be the one to make the final decision anyway, so I thought you should be here."
(Up until a year and half ago, I was in charge of the money situation in our marriage. I didn't spend uncontrollably, but I definitely didn't have the more responsible spending habits I do now. Just a short while after we bought our first home, Husband took over the finances. I get spending cash each payday that I buy groceries and anything "fun" with.)
My point is, I no longer feel like I have any financial control. We discuss finances regularly, but nothing changes. Everytime I request more money, he just says it isn't there. That's true, but only to a degree. he pays $50-$75 extra on our car payment every month. This means our car will be paid off early, but it also means we NEVER go out. EVER.
Anyway...........I have little to no say in financial things anymore. So for him to think I'd be completely in control of selling our car seems a bit ridiculous to me. He has taken that power from me. But he resents the fact that he has to do anything to sell the car since I'm the one who wanted the baby.
Along with that.............I'm honestly afraid of miscarrying because of his attitude. I know that doesn't make sense legitimately, but the fear is there. I'm so scared to tell people I'm pregnant because I don't want to tell them if I miscarry. I have this news I'm so excited about, but I feel like I can't be excited about it. My Husband is drastically less than excited, and I'm so afraid of miscarrying because of it.
A few months ago when we discussed removing the IUD, I said I didn't want to do it if he didn't want to. I didn't want to bring an unwanted child into our family. He said he knew exactly how I felt. I told him that I had done the best I could and had left the decision up to him. If he thought it was right, then I trusted him. But then he did nothing.
At that point, I felt it was right to get my IUD removed. And I decided to act on it instead of waiting for my husband, because I had a feeling he would never think it was right. Which is wrong.
I feel the same now. I don't want to bring an unwanted child into our family. But *I* want this baby. I just learned a few weeks ago that my own father felt unwanted. He was born a lot closer after his sister than his mom wanted, and he knew it growing up.
No child should EVER feel that way! And if this baby's a girl (which I want DESPERATELY), I'm doubly scared for her. Husband thinks girls are much harder than boys and honestly would be more than okay with never having a daughter. (For the record, I would love a boy every bit as much as a girl. Of course.)
I just don't know what to do. I honestly think this is has sent Husband into a minor depression. I've suspected for a while that he has some chemical imbalances (runs in his family), and he has SERIOUS sleep issues, but of course he doesn't think it's a big deal and doesn't want to do anything about it. But ever since I told him I was pregant, he's had a harder time. His sleeping habits are even worse. He's more pessimistic than ever. Getting out of bed in the morning is harder than ever. On more than one occasion he's said, "I just have no motivation whatsoever to get out of bed. How do you do it? What is it that makes you get out of bed every morning?"
I told him that I wasn't quite sure what made me get up, other than the fact that I didn't have an overwhelming desire NOT to.
Alright. I should close and try to go back to sleep. I'll discuss more of my husband's depression issues later. Maybe.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
SERIOUSLY?!
My sister-in-law is pregnant.
With her third.
Her oldest turns 2 in July.
Her youngest is 7 months old.
There are lots of things I could address here, but I'm just going with the fact that they will have THREE children younger than my youngest.
With her third.
Her oldest turns 2 in July.
Her youngest is 7 months old.
There are lots of things I could address here, but I'm just going with the fact that they will have THREE children younger than my youngest.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Drama
I like it on TV. Fake stuff, "real" stuff, whatever. I like it there.
NOT IN MY own LIFE.
I hate blog drama. HATE IT.
And I hate looking forward to something, then having it fall through. And ruin my day.
NOT IN MY own LIFE.
I hate blog drama. HATE IT.
And I hate looking forward to something, then having it fall through. And ruin my day.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Getting out my marker
I started today. But I had exceptionally low expectations. So it's all good. Husband can breathe a sigh of relief.......and then realize he won't be getting any action for a little while.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Friends
I have several friends in my ward. I like them all. We all have kids about the same age.
Half of us live in a more up-scale neighborhood, the half live in a not-so-up-scale neighborhood. I'm in the latter. I don't live int he ghetto, by any means, but my home is about 50 years older than theirs.
About 4 of them (who all live in the nicer neighborhood) do a joy school. I was actually invited to participate in it, but decided to do a traditional preschool instead. I regret that decision for a few reasons, one of which I will address.
They all have become exceptionally close. Which is fine, it really is. But on more than one occasion, I've called to get together with one or another of them. They say, "Actually, we're already going to insert place, want to come?" I say sure. Then I get there 30 minutes late because that's when I was originally planning on getting there, and I find all the women there with their children.
This has happened on more than one occasion. It's just become apparent to me that they have regular get togethers outside of joy school. (One of the women who's been there isn't even part of the school, but lives on the same street as all of them.) I understand that they are all close. Two of them teach a primary class together, another teaches another class, and the last is the secretary. So they see each other all the time. But I'm pretty close with 2 of them. I just wish I got invited to their things. Maybe they're just trying to keep their numbers small. Or they discuss it throughout the week and simply don't think of me.
I just wish they would. My kids are the same ages as theirs. I'm the same age as the moms. We all have similar backgrounds and educational levels........I just regret not doing the joy school with them and entrenching myself in the group. I'm as stylish and funny as they are (at least I like to think so!), so what's the deal?!
Gosh. It sounds like I'm talking about the popular kids in high school. And they are most definately not like that. They are all so sweet and fun. Never snooty or condescending. We've had dinner invites, and I watch their kids every now and then. We are friends. I just want to be part of the informal playdates they do.
Half of us live in a more up-scale neighborhood, the half live in a not-so-up-scale neighborhood. I'm in the latter. I don't live int he ghetto, by any means, but my home is about 50 years older than theirs.
About 4 of them (who all live in the nicer neighborhood) do a joy school. I was actually invited to participate in it, but decided to do a traditional preschool instead. I regret that decision for a few reasons, one of which I will address.
They all have become exceptionally close. Which is fine, it really is. But on more than one occasion, I've called to get together with one or another of them. They say, "Actually, we're already going to insert place, want to come?" I say sure. Then I get there 30 minutes late because that's when I was originally planning on getting there, and I find all the women there with their children.
This has happened on more than one occasion. It's just become apparent to me that they have regular get togethers outside of joy school. (One of the women who's been there isn't even part of the school, but lives on the same street as all of them.) I understand that they are all close. Two of them teach a primary class together, another teaches another class, and the last is the secretary. So they see each other all the time. But I'm pretty close with 2 of them. I just wish I got invited to their things. Maybe they're just trying to keep their numbers small. Or they discuss it throughout the week and simply don't think of me.
I just wish they would. My kids are the same ages as theirs. I'm the same age as the moms. We all have similar backgrounds and educational levels........I just regret not doing the joy school with them and entrenching myself in the group. I'm as stylish and funny as they are (at least I like to think so!), so what's the deal?!
Gosh. It sounds like I'm talking about the popular kids in high school. And they are most definately not like that. They are all so sweet and fun. Never snooty or condescending. We've had dinner invites, and I watch their kids every now and then. We are friends. I just want to be part of the informal playdates they do.
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Thanks for the comments. Yes, you know me, but I'm not going to reveal my true identity. If any of you want to be an anonymous contributor here, send me an e-mail. It's things that keep me up at night AT gmail DOT com. (all one word, of course.) I'd honestly love to have a group blog. And I promise to keep your identity a secret, if that's what you want.
Weight
I went to the doctor the other day. I discovered I'm about 20 pounds heavier than I want to be. And I don't want to be 98 lbs. I'm as heavy as I was at 6 mos. pregnant. This is not good.
Once my child is out of preschool, I'm going to use that money for a gym membership. I've tried working out at home, but it just doesn't happen. My kids stand in front of the TV or change the channel or turn it off.......just doesn't happen. I was walking with a friend last summer. We walked about 2 miles every morning......nothing. I didn't notice a lick of difference. I don't have a scale at home (maybe I should get one?) and my clothes weren't fitting any differently. After 3 months of walking!! What is that?!
So annoying.
I'm excited to go to the gym. I've never really gone to one before. But now that my husband thinks he's going to get fired, I'm thinking I should probably save that money, right?
BUT I DON'T WANT TO!!!!! I WANT TO GO TO THE GYM AND LOSE WEIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Once my child is out of preschool, I'm going to use that money for a gym membership. I've tried working out at home, but it just doesn't happen. My kids stand in front of the TV or change the channel or turn it off.......just doesn't happen. I was walking with a friend last summer. We walked about 2 miles every morning......nothing. I didn't notice a lick of difference. I don't have a scale at home (maybe I should get one?) and my clothes weren't fitting any differently. After 3 months of walking!! What is that?!
So annoying.
I'm excited to go to the gym. I've never really gone to one before. But now that my husband thinks he's going to get fired, I'm thinking I should probably save that money, right?
BUT I DON'T WANT TO!!!!! I WANT TO GO TO THE GYM AND LOSE WEIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jobs
Husband came home yesterday and said, "I think you may need to look into finding a part-times job to hold us over after I get fired."
Oh. Great.
He's just got too much to do at work. So much, that details get overlooked. Then they come back and bite him in the a**. He told me that his supervisors (who work in a different state) ask him, "So what is it you do all day?" (Like like being a housewife, no?)
He honestly thinks he's going to get fired in the next few months. And he doesn't have his degree yet!! He's like 3 credit hours away from being done. Almost 2 years ago, he signed up for online courses. And just didn't finish them. He got busy, and I honestly forgot. And here we are, two years later, still without a BA.
For the first few years of our marriage, he was working for a pretty successful complany doing client relations. They had a position open up in the headquarters that he was perfect for. But because he didn't have his degree, they couldn't hire him. I've mentioned this more than a few times -- that he needs to finish those last 3 flippin' hours and send them his resume.
He thinks that the opportunity is long lost. But the people there loved him and I highly doubt that they have forgotten him. But the longer he waits, the more likely that is.
It is so frustrating. He's freaking out about losing his job, but hasn't done anything to secure a further future.
He's a great man. Instensely loyal. A marvelous teacher. Highly intelligent. But he's lazy and has a low self-esteem. (Which you would never guess about him.) He feels like he has no talent -- no marketable skills. He'a great teacher, but doesn't want to teach high school the rest of his life. He might enjoy teaching college more, but that would take more schooling which he's obviously not a fan of.
It's just so frustrating.
Oh. Great.
He's just got too much to do at work. So much, that details get overlooked. Then they come back and bite him in the a**. He told me that his supervisors (who work in a different state) ask him, "So what is it you do all day?" (Like like being a housewife, no?)
He honestly thinks he's going to get fired in the next few months. And he doesn't have his degree yet!! He's like 3 credit hours away from being done. Almost 2 years ago, he signed up for online courses. And just didn't finish them. He got busy, and I honestly forgot. And here we are, two years later, still without a BA.
For the first few years of our marriage, he was working for a pretty successful complany doing client relations. They had a position open up in the headquarters that he was perfect for. But because he didn't have his degree, they couldn't hire him. I've mentioned this more than a few times -- that he needs to finish those last 3 flippin' hours and send them his resume.
He thinks that the opportunity is long lost. But the people there loved him and I highly doubt that they have forgotten him. But the longer he waits, the more likely that is.
It is so frustrating. He's freaking out about losing his job, but hasn't done anything to secure a further future.
He's a great man. Instensely loyal. A marvelous teacher. Highly intelligent. But he's lazy and has a low self-esteem. (Which you would never guess about him.) He feels like he has no talent -- no marketable skills. He'a great teacher, but doesn't want to teach high school the rest of his life. He might enjoy teaching college more, but that would take more schooling which he's obviously not a fan of.
It's just so frustrating.
Babies
I've finally convinced my husband to get my IUD out. We talked about it last Sunday, and I made the appointment Monday morning. It was done by Wednesday. I didn't tell my husband about it because I knew he was still kinda hesitant about it. Last night I did tell him as we were cuddling on the couch, and he immediately scooted away from me. It was in jest, but there was also some truth to it. He was kinda scared to sleep with me because of it. Great.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
apologies
I really do love my husband. And my kids. I only write here when I'm frustrated.
It seems I've found more constructive ways to deal with my resentment. Which is good.
That guy that I could see myeslf dating if I weren't married........said he thought I looked hot. And that we could be married. And he swing-danced with me. And he wanted to take me home.
It was all good-natured and in front of my husband.....but still.......
That's weird, right? Crossing the line a little bit?
But I'm very flattered by it and want to hang out with him again, just to have someone (besides my husband) tell me I'm a good catch.
It seems I've found more constructive ways to deal with my resentment. Which is good.
That guy that I could see myeslf dating if I weren't married........said he thought I looked hot. And that we could be married. And he swing-danced with me. And he wanted to take me home.
It was all good-natured and in front of my husband.....but still.......
That's weird, right? Crossing the line a little bit?
But I'm very flattered by it and want to hang out with him again, just to have someone (besides my husband) tell me I'm a good catch.
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