Thursday, November 17, 2011

I do not understand my mother

A few weeks ago, I went home for a quick visit.

It was a horrible trip.

The first few days were great. Lots of laughs and fun family times. My daughter had fun with my parents and it was all good.

Then 2 days before I left, it hit the fan.


I went home to see my brother before he deploys to Afghanistan. He is leaving behind his wife and 3 children. My brother, who I'll Big Brother even though he's younger than me, has always had a tense relationship with my mother. And that Sunday night, it came to a head.

I'll spare you the details, but they yelled at each other. My mother was in tears. She insinuated that she thought Big Brother might hurt his son. My sister-in-law started yelling that she was sick of her husband being treated so badly. Emotions were through the roof. And it all went down about 30 minutes before extended family and friends were coming over.

It was wretched.

The next day, my father told me that that my mother has told him she doesn't love him. And that she probably never did.


He said he didn't know what her plan was. My Little Brother is graduating this year. Will she leave when he goes to school? Or wait till he's on his mission? Home from his mission?

Dad told Mom that he was going to tell Big Brother and I about their "situation."

I thanked my dad for at least talking to me about it. We spoke more about their marriage, then the conversation ended. That was the day before I left.

So now my mom knows that I know, but we still have yet to talk about.

I just DON'T GET MY MOTHER. If she wants to leave, just leave. Don't stay for the kids. You never stay for the kids. Does she think my Little Brother isn't aware of how messed up their relationship is? Does she think he doesn't see or hear her talking down to Dad, endlessly correcting or nagging or making him sound stupid?

Ironically, she's concerned about the youth in her ward right now. Apparently, the YW president is completely disrespectful and rude to the Young Men. My mother, who HAS a young man, has a serious problem with it. She doesn't want the young men to be disrespected, but she also doesn't want the girls to think that this is how people should be treated. But how does she treat my father? With the same contempt. I hope Little Brother can know how he should be treated.

I think that my mom married my dad because she thought that if she didn't, no one else would ever ask. She's always struggled with confidence issues.

But here's another bit of irony for you: we watched Fiddler on the Roof each New Year's Eve for 3 or 4 years growing up. What about the song, "Do you love me?" How has my mother not grown to love my father? He is a GOOD MAN.

Another ironic fact: My mother introduced me to the book The Peacegiver by James Ferrell. The main character in the book is a man who is struggling in his marriage. He resents his wife. The man has a dream in which his grandfather takes him through different stories from the Bible and teaches him about forgiveness and Christ's Atonement. The book doesn't end with a "Happily Ever After, " but it does end with the man wanting to try to save his marriage. He commits to looking past his wife's flaws and trying to see her the way Christ does. (It is quite possibly the best book I have ever read.)

My mother introduced me to this book. She is one of the most giving and caring people I know, except when it comes to m father. She has studied the gospel of Jesus Christ, and she lives it. Except in her marriage.

I don't understand it.

And I don't know: maybe she's been trying for the past few years to do better. I'm sure there are plenty of things I don't know about their marriage. But I DO know that my father loves her. He buys her gifts that she likes. He helps around the house. He flatters her. He tries to date her. He puts his arm around her. He's speaking all the love languages, but she isn't responding, let alone reciprocating.

Honestly, I'm surprised my dad has stayed as long as he has. I can't imagine being married to someone who never says something positive to me.

It's tough. My mom and I have always been so close, but this may end that. I know I don't have to and shouldn't take sides, but I'm having a hard time not taking my dad's side.

Then I had to go and watch tonight's Private Practice, where one couple decided to get a divorce. The husband didn't love the wife anymore, but wouldn't leave because he wanted to stick to his commitments. The wife still loved her husband, but said if he wanted her to leave, she would. He wanted her to go. So she did, with tears in her eyes.

I had tears in my eyes, too.

Because, really, I know that divorce is inevitable for them. And I'm okay with it. I'm far enough removed from the situation that it wouldn't affect my daily life. I've been aware of the status of my parents' relationship for quite sometime. I just feel so incredibly sorry for my dad.

And I'm mad at my mom for treating him so wretchedly when he's done nothing to deserve it.

Unmet expectations

My first-grader isn't doing so well at school.

We found out at his parent/teacher conferences that he refuses to write at school. He cries and says it's too hard.

I wasn't at the conferences, so I couldn't ask his teacher this, but my question was WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?!?!?!?

My son behaves like that at home, but I had no idea he did it in school. He kdg. teacher told me that the only time he cried in her class was when I was there and he wanted a hug good-bye.

He's behind 3 levels in reading, too. His teacher said to stop doing the homework she's been sending home because it's too hard for him. She has sent home other activities for us to do.

It's been hard. We spend a lot more time on homework now, because we're doing the extra activities along with the regular homework, since he needs the practice. We're also reading more each day. But it's been a struggle.

Tonight, Husband was helping with homework while I cooked dinner. He asked my son a question, and Son answered it incorrectly. Husband thought Son was getting it wrong on purpose and lost it. Son started to cry, insisting that he didn't do it on purpose and he really didn't know the answer.

Honestly, I don't know if he did it on purpose or not. I know he's done that in the past. When he thinks it's too hard to figure out, he'll just say anything. Which isn't good. But Husband's patience was gone.

The rest of the night was fairly tense. The same Son didn't want to eat his chicken at dinner. Son #2 didn't want to eat his rice. There were tears and serious discussions about children who go to bed with no food.

After dinner, there were fights between the boys. There was weeping and wailing at bedtime. There was anger and pouting during story-time.

I feel like I have failed my children. I haven't taught them enough to prepare them well for school. I should've done so much more with reading and writing. I know it's not too late, but Son #1 is seriously lagging. And Son #2 never finishes anything. He's a great helper at home, but definitely not as self-starter. If it's not fun or doesn't have an incentive attached, he probably won't do it.

Not to mention Son #1's tears. He's 7 and cries at the littlest thing. It's become a real issue and I don't know what to do. I've never wanted my kids to feel like they couldn't cry, and I guess that's back-fired on me.

I just don't know what to do to help them.

I need to pray and take this to my Heavenly Father, because it feels like too much for me to handle.

Update: I've spoken with son #1's teachers. He has done a 180 since parent teacher conferences when we learned of his struggles and started working more intensively at home. He is still behind, but has much more confidence and the teacher is no longer worried about him. Thank you, Father in Heaven.

Update on Husband

Things are better with Husband. I talked to my Bishop. Husband began to meet with a conselor from LDS Family Services. He was able to work through some of his issues.

Interestingly , he harbors no ill feelings toward his scout leader. He knows the man was sick. But Husband is upset with his parents, mostly his mother, for making him go to Scouts when he didn't want to. I have been present for a few of his therapy sessions the memories that he focuses on all have to do with his parents. I think that deep down, he hates his mother for making him go.

Husband went to a few therapy sessions this summer. They seem to have helped, but he stopped again because he didn't feel the counselor could help him anymore. After meeting with her myself, I agree. The counselor doesn't seem terribly competent.

I know that he still has issues to work through regarding his mother. Sundays are still rough for him, some more than others. I personally think he needs an anti-anxiety medication to take on Sundays, but that'll never happen. I'm also pretty sure he has sleep apnea, though that will go untreated as well.

So all in all, things are better with him, but not great. Scout uniforms creep him out. All this stuff about the Penn State pedophile creeps him out. Last Sunday he woke up from his nap just fine, but 30 minutes later eating our lasagna he became really scared for some reason. Was hunched over with his eyes darting. He looked like a scared little kid. After dinner he curled up into the fetal position with a blanket for nearly an hour. But that was extreme.

One really great thing concerning Husband is his relationship with our daughter. She LOVES her daddy. Much sooner and more than our boys did at this age. (Just over 18 mos.) She loves to give him kisses and hugs and runs to him when he comes home. She loves to sit on his lap and mooch food. She cuddles him and laughs and plays with him......and he is putty in her hands.

He's never been the kind to dote or wanted a "Daddy's Girl." But I think he's got one and he's not quite ready for it. It's pretty sweet.

Monday, January 31, 2011

The Husband needs help.

About 6 months ago, some memories from his childhood surfaced. Memories that involved a Scout leader and camping.

He had some really rough days where he couldn't get out of bed. Through a series of fortunate events, he started meeting with a counselor. It helped a bit. After a few months he stopped going, saying that he didn't think there was any more to discuss.

That's a lie.

He's had a few bad days since then. If scouting or camping comes up, it can give him bad dreams. If people touch his back, he gets jumpy. He's had anxiety attacks.

Interestingly enough, he doesn't hold much resentment or anger towards the scout leader. He understands that the man was sick in his head. (The man is currently serving time in federal prison for similar offenses against other boys.) But the Husband hates his mother for it. He has had several "episodes" involving his mother. Essentially, he has vivid dreams and lives them a little bit when he wakes. He actually looks like a little kid, hiding under his blanket. He repeats over and over, "Don't make me go. Don't make me go."

I respond in the way that he wanted his mother to respond. "You don't have to go. You can stay home. You never have to go back. I believe you."

But he doesn't believe me when I say those things. He just cries and asks why no one saw what has happening.

He harbors a LOT of resentment toward his mother for not seeing it. She is fiercely protective, but she didn't protect him at the one time he needed it most. I don't think he realizes that that is the reason he hates his mother so much.

So outside of the counseling he obviously needs more of, he also needs medication. He needs anti-anxiety medication. I believe he's also got some chemical imbalances and is in a clinical depression. I believe the resurfacing of his memories have greatly added to it, but I'm pretty sure he was clinically depressed before all this.

He doesn't sleep well. The man dreams all night. His mind is always going. He is never well rested when he wakes. He often asks me how I have the power to get out of bed in the morning. It takes all the willpower he can muster just to sit up.

But he's a man. So of course he is really resisting going back to a therapist. He met with one for a month or two in the summer, but then felt things were better and and decided to stop. His therapist supported the decision. I never went to a session with him and I wish I had. I know there's a LOT more he needs to work through.

He STRONGLY resists the thought of medicating for any of this. Hates taking Tylenol. Hates hates HATES medication. Thinks he can just suck it up.

But he was barely able to get out of bed yesterday because his dreams were so vivid. He was afraid to get out of bed. He was able to pull it together just enough to make it through church. But right before we left, we were in the garage and I could see how hard it was for him -- that he was still afraid. I suggested taking two cars so he could come home if he needed it. The most terrified look came over his face. Like it was just TOO MUCH to think about having to drive. I backpedaled and told him to never mind. I held his hand and told him that it was okay and to take a deep breath.

At the beginning of the month, again on a Sunday, he had a REALLY bad episode. He could not get out of bed and actually stayed home from church. If you knew The Husband, you would realize what a big deal that was. He never ever misses church. But he could not pull himself out of it.

I think that most of the episodes occur on Sunday because that's where the leader was -- at church. And there are always announcements about Scouts at church. I shared this theory with him last night -- that his subconscious knows what's coming the next day and relives past fears.

We had a good talk and I think he's considering more seriously going back into counseling. But I know that he also needs medication, and that means going to a different level of care........

I just don't know what to do for him.

I guess I can pray. I know that the Lord loves him and wants him to be well and whole. I guess I just need to have faith and be there for him, whatever he chooses to do.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

About my mom

I talked to my mom the other day on the phone. It was close to dinner time, and I was saying that I wasn't sure what I was going to cook. I told her I wanted to make something the Husband really liked because his job has really been stressful of late. I've been trying to make life at home as good as it can be since his job sucks.

My mom said, "Well, you know, you do what you can."

Like the idea of doing something nice for her husband was very foreign to her.

And no, nothing about their marriage has ever come up in conversation. I've decided that if she's not going to talk about it, then I'm not either. I mean, what could I say? "So, have you decided if you're leaving Dad or not?"

She's talked about the possibility of going to beauty school -- becoming a hairdresser. But it'll cost a lot of money. I have a feeling she's considering it so she'll have income in the event of a divorce. She's come to me for advice or just my thoughts on the matter and I can't tell her what I think.

Because what I think is this: If she's doing it to fulfill herself, fine.

If she's doing for a safety net, I DON'T WANT HER TO HAVE A SAFETY NET.

Now, I obviously don't have all the facts on their marriage. But I did live with them for 18 years, and have observed quite a bit as an adult. My dad adores my mom. He lives his life to make her happy. He helps around the house, tries to be romantic, cooks, and is funny. He is more passive as a parent, which I know is frustrating for my mom.

But to my knowledge, my father has never cheated. He has never beat any member of his family. The harshest I ever remember him being was when I was 8 years old. We were on family vacation, sleeping in a hotel. My brother and I weren't going to sleep and just kept giggling all night. My dad yelled at us to SHUT UP. And we did. But that is the only time I remember his raising his voice or using "harsh" language.

I don't know why my mom feels the way she does. I realize that I don't know the details of their marriage, so I probably shouldn't judge.

But its my parents. And I don't know how they are going to end up.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I just found out that

My mom hasn't loved my dad for the last 20 years of their 30 year marriage.

She just "fell out of love." Seriously. Yuck.

Their anniversary is tomorrow.

It'll probably be their last together.

My mom told the Husband a bit about it a few weeks ago and he told me last night.

It's not much of a surprise. I've felt for a few years now like my mom doesn't even like my dad. Doesn't respect him. Thinks everything he says or does is stupid. I don't know why.

I haven't talked to my mom about it yet. It's weird for me to be on the phone with her now because she doesn't know I know.

I realize now that all my passive-aggressive tendencies in my marriage come from her.

Twenty years? Twenty years of trying to love him, or twenty years of resenting him? She apparently has been ready to leave for quite some time but has had trouble convincing my dad to let go.

I think I'm still in shock. I haven't cried yet. I also haven't talked to my parents about it. I live far away from them, so I don't really know them as a unit anymore. I have a relationship with each parent, independent of the other. Honestly, the thing that saddens me the most is how it will affect their relationships with my own kids.

Friday, January 22, 2010

I'm not ready for this

My three year old son just used the bathroom then came and said, "Look, Mom! My pee pee is standing up!"

I am not looking forward to this part of raising boys. ONE BIT.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


Things are good. My pregnancy is going well. A few months ago I talked to my bishop, and it was a good talk. He spoke with Husband the next week. I planned on us discussing things then, but it didn't happen.

But Husband and I spent a lot of time together over the holidays and eventually we started talking. I could tell he didn't really want to, but I made him. I talked about being a mom in general, and how much there always is to do. I was 100% honest. Then we started talking about our "intimate" life, and had a great discussion about that, too. Eventually we started talking about the baby, and the girl he wanted to adopt.

I just feels so good to finally be on the same page. As we were discussing the hardest issues, he would say stuff like, "I don't know why we're talking about this. It doesn't change anything." But I told him that we needed to get it out so that we knew what the other was thinking and feeling.

We've been so much closer since then. Our teasing is 100% teasing, and not sarcastic. We're more honest in our lovemaking. Husband even did a small load of dishes last night. (MAJORLY HUGE AND IMPRESSIVE FEAT!!!)

Also on a good note -- we were released from scouting! One month before we were supposed to host the Pinewood Derby! I'm so excited about that.

So things are pretty darn good at our house. I hope Husband and I can keep up the whole "talking about what we're really feeling" thing. Ward temple night is Thursday, and we're going to go if we can find a sitter. It'll be the first time we're in the temple together in.........over a year, probably. Sad, but true. I'm excited for us to be there together, though.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Overwhelmed p.s.

I had errors after typing up this post this morning, and thought I had lost half of it. I didn't get the screen telling me my post had been successfully published and I was SO MAD. I'd spent half the morning typing the thing up and getting it off my chest and out there for feedback, just to have it disappear.

So I was pleasantly surprised to see comments in my inbox! Yay!

Emily -- it's definitely not apostate to wonder why the church still uses scouting. I wonder occasionally, and I'm in the program. Something that I learned recently is that the Church continues to use the BSA program because of all the training they offer. No other calling offers the training that scouting does. (Of course, no other program needs it as much. If there weren't so many rules and whatnot, it wouldn't be a big deal!) But that's something I'd never heard before. The Church is a big fan of the safety training, leadership training, etc. So they stick with it. Makes a little bit more sense than "scouting is the activity arm of the priesthood."

And thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it. I'd post something like this on my other blog, but I don't want members of my ward (who of course read and never comment) to know all this. You ladies rock.


I have a serious problem saying no.

I have three callings in my ward. One is music related and easy. I enjoy it. Another is Relief Society related. I love it as well. I feel really strongly about unifying the sisters in our ward. We have a TON of new people moving in, and want every sister to feel like she actually has a sisterhood to turn to if she needs it. I've always played a big role in our activities, but I've recently been asked to serve in a more official capacity. I'm excited about it, because I have lots of ideas and things I want to do.

I have one more calling. It's one I share with my husband. And this is where I struggle. We serve in cub scouts. I served in cubs in my last ward, too. All in all, I've been working with the cubs for over 3 years.

Here are my "issues" with the calling:

• Husband and I share the calling. While sometimes this is nice, it's not ideal for the calling we have. There are several meetings to attend, but only one of us can attend because the other needs to be home with the kids.

• Husband HATES scouts. With the burning passion of a thousand suns. (Well, maybe not quite that much, but almost.) One of the scout leaders from his past is serving a prison sentence for molesting Husband's cousin. Plus, it's so annoying cheesy he just can't stand it.

• I've sent husband to the meetings to get some training, because I know how important training is. I also know that I come home from each training with a new desire to better serve the cubs scouts. But when Husband goes to the meetings..........he seems to get nothing out of it, except for how cheesy everything is. He doesn't take notes. Which leaves me completely high and dry when it comes to planning. So I go to the meetings and he stays with the kids.

• Sharing a calling with your spouse is not easy. It's not like he's the leader and I'm his assistant. Or vice versa. If it were that way, it'd be a lot easier. As it is, I go to the 2 planning meetings, plan everything pack night, run all the errands beforehand, and he executes the actual meeting.

The other issue is that pack night and enrichment are in the same week. One is Tuesday, one is Thursday. It turns into hell week for me. I am not a planner or organizer. I am a habitual procrastinator. There are commities that help plan and execute, but there are always things to be done the day of. Or the day before. And there are ALWAYS things I forget. It would probably be that way even if I were that classic type-A personality. But I'm a pretty laid-back person. I'm not a worrier at all. So I don't ever think about all I need to do until it needs to be done. I go completely crazy stressing that week because I don't stress about it at any other time.

Yesterday I was thinking that I should just try to move one of the activities to a different week. But if enrichment is the first Thursday, it's so early in the month that everyone forgets. It's can't be the second Thursday, because that's our monthly scout planning meeting. It can't be the third Thursday, because all the old ladies in our ward have a book group that they attend, and get their panties in a twist if we plan stuff on that night. So it has to be the 4th Thursday.

I think it would be possible to change pack night. Right now, Round Table, where we get all our helps for the next month, is held on the 2nd Thursday. Then we hold a meeting with the ward we combine with on the third Sunday to plan the next month's pack night and review assignments for the upcoming one. Pack night is the fourth Tuesday, either 2 days or 9 days after that meeting. It's nice to have it scheduled like that because we always review assignments close to the pack night.

If we move pack night to the first Tuesday, it's just farther away from our meeting. Boys will have earned awards we might not be aware of. People (like me) will be prone to procrastinate or forget the things they are supposed to do. If it's the 2nd Tuesday, that's even more likely. And then we have another scouth meeting (Round Table) two days later. If it's the third Tuesday, it's either two days after our meeting or 3.5 weeks after. So really, the 4th Tuesday is the best option.

Which leaves me right where I started.

And have I mentioned that I've become more involved in my community? I'm helping a friend with a production, and have been made a council member.

Like I said, I have problems saying no.

Last week (hell week) I was so stressed. I decided that I was going to talk to the bishop. But I never scheduled an appointment. Then after the week was over, I was like, "Oh, it's really not that bad....." even though it is. We have a lot of new people moving into our ward, and I don't exactly live "in the mission field." There's no reason for a person to have 3 callings in my ward. Especially when we have 2 gospel doctrine classes and two teachers for each class. And THREE people called as substitues. (Isn't that ridiculous?!)

My main reason for deciding against talking with the bishop about it all is Husband. I'm not sure if I've discussed it here, but he's a pretty black and white kind of guy. All callings come from God. Period. "Questioning" your priesthood leaders is walking a dangerous line. You do not refuse callings. Period. When God wants you to be released, He'll release you.

I don't see the world quite like that -- there are shades of gray. For sure. Some callings are 100% inspiration. Others are 50% inspiration, 50% knowing the person has done something similar before. And yet others are10% inspiration, 90% desperation. (I'm sure you've heard that before.) I don't think the fact that I've have music related callings in EVERY single ward I've been in is 100% inspiration.

So I don't think it would be wrong of me to discuss all this with the bishop. I know he doesn't realize all I do. He doesn't know all that I do to plan and execute the meetings that fall within 2 days of each other. He doesn't realize that only one of us is able to attend meetings because the other has to be home with the kids. I don't think it would be a sin to make him aware of that.

The problem comes because I'd like to ask to be released from scouts, but I'm not sure if that's right. I know that I've done a lot for our program. (Arrogant, but true.) We have a small number of boys, and scouts can be difficult when you only have a few boys coming. I arranged for us to combine with another ward and things are running beautifully now. We have enough boys and leaders for everything. Pack night doesn't feel like a total waste of time and effort because we actually have people that attend. It's honestly something I'm proud of. But at the same time, I don't think it's necessarily right for me to say, "I've left my mark -- now release me."

I think it would be better to make the bishop of aware of everything, then let him (or God) decide what I should be released from, if anything. But I don't want to be released from enrichment or being the organist!

Another problem is that when it comes to scouting, there is just SO much to know. I've been working with scouts for 3 years, and I still feel like there's a lot I need to learn. So I'd feel bad asking to leave the calling, knowing that (most likely) someone who doesn't know mucb about scouts would be called. And they'd be even more overwhelmed than I am because they don't know all that I do!! I realize that's the case when anyone gets a new calling, but it's different when you ask to be released from it.

Another problem..........being released from cubs releases Husband, too. I'd feel really bad asking to be released, then both of us being released, when he thinks it's wrong to ask. (You follow?) I feel guilty enough for essentially making the decision not to adopt and have our own child instead, when it's not what he thought we should do. (That's going a bit better, BTW, but there's still some underlying tension.)

So.......I don't know what to do. I think instead of talking to the bishop I'm going to talk to our primary president. That's in keeping with the chain of command, anyway. (Although in a recent scout correlation meeting with the other ward, I mentioned having 2 other callings. The other ward's bishopric counselor in attendance was like "What? You need to talk to Bro. Young about that!" -Bro. Young's a counselor from my ward that he knows- So maybe the fact that a bishopric member told me to talk to another bishopric member is a good enough reason for me to do it.)

What do you guys think?

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Good news, good news

Husband and I had a long stretch of uninterrupted time the other day, and we talked. We were more honest with each other than we've been in a while. It was so cathartic. We talked about the baby. We talked about money. We talked about the girl he wanted to adopt. We talked about our need to change our family's spiritual habits.

Our relationship is so much stronger -- I can already feel it. Our problem is that we're both so passive aggressive. We'll let things go for months rather than confront each other. We both recognize that it's not healthy, and are working on it. Talking the other day helped so much.

Oh, and a note to Kristina -- we did discuss removing the IUD. I was ready for another baby -- he was stil hung up on the adoption that he didn't make happen. I told him I thought it was time for it to come out. He wasn't happy about it, but he said if I thought it was right, then I should do it. However, I was a bit dishonest in that I didn't let him know when the appointment was. It was just easier not to talk about it again. But I didn't make the decision to remove it and have it done without discussing it with Husband. And I plan to make an appointment with the bishop soon. We both need some guidance.

Thanks for your thoughts and support, everyone.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

good news, bad news

The good news is: I'm pregnant!

The bad news is: Husband is NOT excited about it.

About a year ago, he decided he wanted to adopt a certain girl in the foster care system. There's a long story behind that, but that's the gist of it. I was kind of blown away by this, but decided to persue because he felt so strongly about it. We took the classes, graduated from them, and had a few things left to do to qualify.

Well, those things didn't get done. I didn't do them, because it was Husband's idea. If he wanted to do it, he needed to fill out the rest of the paper work or whatever else we had left. He didn't want to do it because I wasn't 100% on board. But I never had been. Finally by the end of the classes, the best I could do was say that if he felt it was right, I was just going to trust that.

For the record, I prayed about it. A LOT. But every time I prayed, I couldn't get past how much I wanted a baby. We have two children, but they are getting older and older. I already have more of a gap between my youngest and our next than I wanted. I knew if we adopted, the gap would increase by another 2 years, if not more.

Anyway.............nearly a year later, and nothing more has happened with adoption. The girl he thought was supposed to be with us was in the process of being adopted by her foster family when we started taking the classes 10 months ago. I really don't know how she would've come to us -- what judge would award custody to a couple who qualified as fasoter parents JUST for a specific ten-year-old girl over the family she'd been part of for the last 6 months of more?

Well now, Husband feels like God is displeased with his (our) actions. Like we're living a "junior varsity" version of our life -- not the "varsity" version God had in mind. Two days after Husband comes to this realization, I'm late for my period. He thinks this is God swifftly moving on with Plan B.

I kind of have a problem with that. I have a problem with thinking that fulfilling covenants and obeying the counsel of the prophet is "Plan B."

Husband thinks we can't afford a new baby. (How he thought we could afford a ten-year-old, I don't know. I guess he was willing to do it because he thought it was what God wanted.) We'll have to get a new car, and he's worried about medical bills. But we are more stable financially now than we were when we had our first two. Our last child was completely free because we were on Medicaid. It would be one thing if we had four children and were still living in this 3 bedroom home. But that's not the case. I don't think we are in a bad enough financial spot to delay children. I honestly feel that if we have faith, God will provide.

A few weeks ago, we were discussing buying another car. Husband was quite pessimistic about it. We were both pretty quiet by the end of the night. As he was getting into bed and I was washing my face and what not, I said, "What is it that you're mad about?" "I'm not mad," he said.

"Okay. Well, then what is it you're thinking right now."

"I'm just tired of being the one to make all your dreams come true."

Whoa. OUCH.

I didn't respond. He was asleep or pretending to be by the time I got in bed.

Then last night, we were discussing the car again. We actually listed it online last night. Just before Husband was getting in the shower, I picked up his phone and opened it to see the time. At that EXACT moment, someone was calling about the car. I talked to them briefly, then said I was goign to ask my husband about when they could come and look at the car. I went and asked him, and he said, "Just set up a time tomorrow!" I responded that our car was filthy and would need to be cleaned out before someone came. "So clean it and have them come over." I explained that I would prefer not to have a strange man come to our home while the Husband was gone. However, Wednesdays are his game nights. He might be home between 5:30 and 6:30. So he told me to tell the guy six.

I picked up the phone, but the guy wasn't there anymore. A minute later, he got a text message that I could see was from the same number. I looked at it, and the guy explained that his cell was out of range and he wanted to know when he could come over. I almost texted his back, but Husband is kind of finicky about his text messages. He's always afraid of going over and rarely texts. I wasnt' sure if he wanted to call the guy back and just leave a message or what.

10 minutes later, Husband is out of the shower. I tell him about the text. "What? You didn't talk to him?" No, his call had been dropped by the time I picked up the phone. "And you didn't send him a text back?" No.......

"I'm just tired of being the one to make all your fantasies real. You have this baby fantasy that...." and he trailed off as he started texting the guy back.

Once I got over my shock and bit of anger at calling our baby a "fantasy" I said, "I did not text him because you never like to text anyone. I didn't want to send a text from your phone without your approval. I thought you might want to call him instead. Also, I am not comfortable with him coming over while you are gone. You're going to be the one to make the final decision anyway, so I thought you should be here."

(Up until a year and half ago, I was in charge of the money situation in our marriage. I didn't spend uncontrollably, but I definitely didn't have the more responsible spending habits I do now. Just a short while after we bought our first home, Husband took over the finances. I get spending cash each payday that I buy groceries and anything "fun" with.)

My point is, I no longer feel like I have any financial control. We discuss finances regularly, but nothing changes. Everytime I request more money, he just says it isn't there. That's true, but only to a degree. he pays $50-$75 extra on our car payment every month. This means our car will be paid off early, but it also means we NEVER go out. EVER.

Anyway...........I have little to no say in financial things anymore. So for him to think I'd be completely in control of selling our car seems a bit ridiculous to me. He has taken that power from me. But he resents the fact that he has to do anything to sell the car since I'm the one who wanted the baby.

Along with that.............I'm honestly afraid of miscarrying because of his attitude. I know that doesn't make sense legitimately, but the fear is there. I'm so scared to tell people I'm pregnant because I don't want to tell them if I miscarry. I have this news I'm so excited about, but I feel like I can't be excited about it. My Husband is drastically less than excited, and I'm so afraid of miscarrying because of it.

A few months ago when we discussed removing the IUD, I said I didn't want to do it if he didn't want to. I didn't want to bring an unwanted child into our family. He said he knew exactly how I felt. I told him that I had done the best I could and had left the decision up to him. If he thought it was right, then I trusted him. But then he did nothing.

At that point, I felt it was right to get my IUD removed. And I decided to act on it instead of waiting for my husband, because I had a feeling he would never think it was right. Which is wrong.

I feel the same now. I don't want to bring an unwanted child into our family. But *I* want this baby. I just learned a few weeks ago that my own father felt unwanted. He was born a lot closer after his sister than his mom wanted, and he knew it growing up.

No child should EVER feel that way! And if this baby's a girl (which I want DESPERATELY), I'm doubly scared for her. Husband thinks girls are much harder than boys and honestly would be more than okay with never having a daughter. (For the record, I would love a boy every bit as much as a girl. Of course.)

I just don't know what to do. I honestly think this is has sent Husband into a minor depression. I've suspected for a while that he has some chemical imbalances (runs in his family), and he has SERIOUS sleep issues, but of course he doesn't think it's a big deal and doesn't want to do anything about it. But ever since I told him I was pregant, he's had a harder time. His sleeping habits are even worse. He's more pessimistic than ever. Getting out of bed in the morning is harder than ever. On more than one occasion he's said, "I just have no motivation whatsoever to get out of bed. How do you do it? What is it that makes you get out of bed every morning?"

I told him that I wasn't quite sure what made me get up, other than the fact that I didn't have an overwhelming desire NOT to.

Alright. I should close and try to go back to sleep. I'll discuss more of my husband's depression issues later. Maybe.