Letter to my husband

Dear Husband:

It is more important that you spend time with your family than that you play Dungeons and Dragons once a week. It means I have no car, no adult interaction, no help, no reason to cook a real dinner.

I could work with every other week.

"But the game falls apart if I'm not there. No one shows up."

I DON'T CARE. Your family is more important than the 27-year-olds you play with. I think you ALL need to grow up.

And do you realize the ridiculousness of the conversation when we talk about how much TV the kids watch and how many video games they play and I say that I have no idea what to do and I'm not strong enough to tell them no and entertain them by myself all day, and you still stay a in town and waste 2 hours, waiting to play D&D with your friends?

love, your adoring wife

resolution

We finally talked about it. Husband gave me my birthday check Monday night, and we barely talked till Thursday night. Then we talked and it was good. I realized that I just made him feel like I didn't care about him, and that I needed to change. Then we had make-up s e x and I enjoyed the big O for the first time EVER. If that's what fighting gets me, we may need to fight more often!! (That was the biggest fight in 5 years of marriage.)

Now I feel like a total jerk

I told Husband that instead of going to a theater, I'd rather have the money and go shopping. He said, "So. You'd rather spend money on random crap you don't need than go out together."
"Yeah."
"Nothing's changed."

He got out the checkbook and wrote me a check for the amount, handed it to me and said "Happy Birthday."

It's been kind of a quiet evening.



I KNEW he'd react like this. I want to spend time with him, too, but I NEVER get to go shopping for myself. (Which of course makes me want to do it even more.)



And I'd rather go shopping than go see a play. I'd normally love to see a play, but it's my birthday and I should get to pick, right? I LOVE shopping so very much, and never EVER get to do it. Except I'd knew he'd see it as me choosing to buy things over spend time with him. (Different love languages.)


But it's like me saying on his birthday: "Instead of having s e x twice today, I'm throwing you a surprise party!!" I'd rather have a party, but he'd rather do the other. So he never gets birthday parties, and neither do I because he hates them. (Even though I'd LOVE a suprise party.)

But now I feel like a jerk because I'd rather go shopping than spend time with him.

GUILT.

conundrum

Husband is now talking about doing something for my birthday. With his "secret stash" money. Possibly going to a theater production. (About $35 for the two of us.) But I've already got myself a secret birthday gift. I kinda think I should take the shirts back and spend it on the theater. But I NEVER get new things, especially things that make me feel pretty.

I don't know what to do. I'm afraid he's going to find out about the shirts and be mad, especially if we also go to the theater. But I don't want to give up the shirts!!

And today in church we had a lesson on finances, and being honest in all your financial affairs.

Total and complete guilt trip.

My birthday

It's coming up. But Husband said that if we do anything, it will need to come from my spending cash.

Which I'm out of. I have $3 till the 31st.

So guess who does nothing for her birthday.

And I know Husband won't plan a party - he's not a party planner. And hates spending money. And probably won't even do the dishes. Or get a card. Or make a card.

So I spent $25 on 2 shirts that make me feel pretty and a pair of sunglasses, since the kids broke mine. $25 NOT in cash. Technically against the rules.

BUT IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!! I SHOULD GET SOMETHING!!!!!!!!

I haven't taken the tags off in case I decide to take the stuff back, or I get birthday money from my mom or MIL.

But I might just keep the stuff, AND spend the birthday money from them.

I'm having a monetary affair.

Crush

I think that two of Husband's friends have small crushes on me. And it's weird. One is about 30 and overweight and unattractive and living of his mom's money -- no real job or direction in life. Pretty pathetic. Whenever he comes over, he somehow finds a way to say, "I'd hug you, but your husband would kill me." Or "I'd say I love you, but I don't think your husband would appreciate that."

He doesn't say it to me privately, Husband can always hear him and is in the room usually. I know the guy thinks he's being funny, but when it happens EVERYTIME he's here (1-3 times/month) it's just awkward. He's always telling Husband what a good wife I am, and how lucky he is.

It's so awkward for me.

The other guy is not so forward. But one time when we were hanging out, I was the only girl in the room, and the guy said to Husband, "May I just say that your wife has some really great legs?" Husband agreed, and I did a little pose, flexing my calves. But almost everytime we hang out with him, he mentions something like, "Where did you find her?" "What I wouldn't give for a woman who does that!"

It's also different because there's a bit of chemistry between us. Nothing huge and sexual and romantically charged, but just a spark. We could be good friends, and I'd probably date him if I weren't married. We just get along, and our personalities mix well. Honestly, he's a lot like my husband.

Now the horrible confession: Husband thinks, would say he knows he's going to die young. Scares the CRAP out of me. There's lots I could say, but I'll try to stay relevant. The thing is, sometimes when I lie awake at night, waiting for Husband to come home, I start thinking, "This is what it would be like if he died. Going to bed alone every night. Would I ever get married again?" And then I think of this guy, and think I'd probably date him, and we might even get married.

I am the most horrible person in the world.

That b!&$% is knocked up

Is it weird that I'm jealous that my dog is pregnant and I'm not? That I'm a little resentful that husband is excited about her having puppies, but doesn't want another baby that came from me?

Love/Hate relationship with Wii Fit

Wii Fit is fun. I really burn some calories and work up a sweat doing the hula hoop.

But Wii Fit also officially diagnosed me as "overweight." In front of my friend. She was very graceful, barely looked at the TV, pretended to be busy and didn't say anything, but I am SO embarrassed. I have a BMI of 25.2. Wii said that a BMI of 22 is healthy.

So now I'm buying special K and stuff for salads and low fat snacks..........I really wanna lose weight. I'm shooting for 10 lbs. But I can't afford a gym membership, and working out with two kids is hard. Even when I check videos out from the library, the kids get in the way or turn the channel, or just turn it off. ANNOYING. And that Wii Fit is my friend's, so I can't use it all day. (Which, by the way, my kids would LOVE. We could do it all day. 'Cuz they know it's a video game. And they love video games. Makes me a little sick how much they love them and how good my 4 yo is.)

I walked 3 miles every morning for 2 months with a friend and didn't see a lick of difference. I didn't change my eating habits, but THREE MILES A DAY did nothing to change my body!!!!! What the CRAP is that about?! And it's not like I'm a total pig. We don't ever eat out. I make most of our meals. We don't buy oreos.......but I eat a bowl of ice cream almost every night. (But ever since Biggest Loser made me check the ice cream label for HFCS, I haven't had a bowl!! Over a week ago!! Now I eat Special K chocolate delight when I want sweets at night.)

Anyway.......I hate the junk around my middle. Really, really, REALLY hate it.

My kids watch too much TV

It's true. They're up around 7 am, and turn it on and watch Curious George and Sid the Science kid and Superwhy. Then maybe Tom and Jerry, or House of Mouse. Backyardigans, wonderpets, Diego, Dora the explorer. Ni Hao, Kailan, Sesame street.

Meanwhile, I do the dishes (YUCK) or shower and get ready or do a load of laundry or blog.

I know I should read books with them, but I guess I'm just too selfish. I'd rather feed my need to be validated by blogging.

It's not like this everyday. One of my kids is in preschool twice a week. We run errands and have playdates at the park. They don't sit perfectly still and watch their shows - they play with a lot of toys and with each other. I try to go outside with them at least once a day, now that it's not scorching hot mid-afternoon. But I've never made play dough. I don't have them color or do a "quiet play" ever.

It's just hard. And I'm lazy. It's easy to turn on the TV. And it's not like they're watching Ren and Stimpy. They sing along with the songs and learn colors and letters.

But I suppose I should be the one teaching them, huh?

My house

I love my house. It's our first home. We bought at exactly the wrong time, though. Right when prices peaked and countrywide almost we bankrupt and interest rates soared.

Anyway.

I'm not a good housekeeper. I keep EVERYTHING. I'm not like a total clutter freak that you see on Oprah. Just have a hard time throwing things away that I might someday eventually need.

So the constant clutter adds to the overall uncleanliness of the house. The other thing is that I have this totally horrible carpet. It's brown and like 15 years old and needs to be shampooed. There are some decent hardwood floors underneath, but we just have to get the money to pull up the carpet and refinish them. Maybe next year's tax return.

In the meantime, we eat in the living room all the time and the carpet just gets worse and worse. I used to spot clean it everytime something fell or whatever, but just gave up. I shouldn't have to clean my carpet 3 times a day!

Bottom line: It's hard for me to clean a house that's not in the best condition. If we were in a newer home with higher quality things, it'd be different.

Probably not. I'd still sit on the computer all day and neglect my kids and not clean my house.

contests. giveaways. I NEVER win.

But I can try. I really want this purse. I'm obsessed with purses. But I never have money to feed my obsession. So I thought I'd try this. Can't hurt!

http://www.handbagplanet.com/

Pick me. Choose me. Love me.

Don't like my calling

My husband and I are Cubmasters in our ward. It's a difficult calling for us. He doesn't like Scouting. Never has. Thinks is corny and cheesy and a waste of time and effort. We have to bring our kids along. (We have two boys, 2 and 3. Lots of fun to contain.) In case you don't know, Cubmasters are responsible for the pack meeting each month. It's only once a month, but it stresses us out.

We aren't support in the calling by our Primary president. It's not that she doesn't support us, but she doesn't help at all. She's supposed to be in charge of all the cub scouting, but isn't. There is a guide that the BSA puts out each year. It has monthly themes, with activities the leaders are encouraged to do. The activities are very specific - makes it pretty easy for the den leaders who run the weekly meetings. This book also has a specific plan for pack night. It's very handy and helps a lot with planning.

The problem is, our den leaders don't follow the book. They use the Wolf and Bear books (with the boys' requirements) and plan activities from there. (Which is good, too. I wish the activities in the guide books were more directly related to helping the boys pass things off. But they aren't.)

The problem for us comes when it's time to plan pack meeting. We plan it according to the the guide book, to go along with that month's theme. The boys, however, haven't done ANYTHING with the theme that month. So pack night is very random.

For example: One month, the boys did some knot tying, took a bike ride, and and went swimming. The theme for the month was "Abra Cadabera," and pack night was supposed to be all about magic. Isn't that random?

The Primary president should be the one to get everyone on the same page. But she doesn't. It's not my job to tell the den leaders what to do. How to do their job "right." But she's not telling them. So we end up having random pack nights about things the boys have no idea about because they haven't been doing the suggested activities.

Also, we get no help in the planning. We have to come up with the "gathering" activity (usually some sort of craft), the main message (which is all about the theme that they haven't even heard of) another activity, a game, and dessert. And there are only about 4 or 5 boys who come, with one or two parents a piece. It's hard to plan for that size. And the Primary president says, "Call if you need anything," but I don't even know what we need!

I wish I felt like we could asked to be released from this calling.

I'm also the ward organist and am on the enrichment committee (which isn't a slacker calling in my ward.) Husband is a gospel doctrine teacher. Do we really need a second or third calling?

Pack nights are so stressful, and I feel like they are always a bomb. Total suck-fest. Because the boys have no idea of the the theme, and husband and I just pull it out of thin air each month. And it has about that much substance.

I have heartburn

.......and I wish it was because I was pregnant.

I am ready for another child. My husband isn't. Well, he's not ready for me to give birth to one. He wants to adopt. From our state's fostercare system.

I just want a baby. So very much. And I'm young. I don't have problems with fertility, pregnancy, or delivery. He just..............thinks we should adopt.

It scares the pants off me.

I look at my body and wish that I was pregnant so I had an excuse for the extra weight.

But I want a BABY more than I want an excuse for extra pounds.

A girl, to be precise.


sigh. Guess I better go drink some milk.