I do not understand my mother

A few weeks ago, I went home for a quick visit.

It was a horrible trip.

The first few days were great. Lots of laughs and fun family times. My daughter had fun with my parents and it was all good.

Then 2 days before I left, it hit the fan.

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I went home to see my brother before he deploys to Afghanistan. He is leaving behind his wife and 3 children. My brother, who I'll Big Brother even though he's younger than me, has always had a tense relationship with my mother. And that Sunday night, it came to a head.

I'll spare you the details, but they yelled at each other. My mother was in tears. She insinuated that she thought Big Brother might hurt his son. My sister-in-law started yelling that she was sick of her husband being treated so badly. Emotions were through the roof. And it all went down about 30 minutes before extended family and friends were coming over.

It was wretched.

The next day, my father told me that that my mother has told him she doesn't love him. And that she probably never did.

OUCH.

He said he didn't know what her plan was. My Little Brother is graduating this year. Will she leave when he goes to school? Or wait till he's on his mission? Home from his mission?

Dad told Mom that he was going to tell Big Brother and I about their "situation."

I thanked my dad for at least talking to me about it. We spoke more about their marriage, then the conversation ended. That was the day before I left.

So now my mom knows that I know, but we still have yet to talk about.

I just DON'T GET MY MOTHER. If she wants to leave, just leave. Don't stay for the kids. You never stay for the kids. Does she think my Little Brother isn't aware of how messed up their relationship is? Does she think he doesn't see or hear her talking down to Dad, endlessly correcting or nagging or making him sound stupid?

Ironically, she's concerned about the youth in her ward right now. Apparently, the YW president is completely disrespectful and rude to the Young Men. My mother, who HAS a young man, has a serious problem with it. She doesn't want the young men to be disrespected, but she also doesn't want the girls to think that this is how people should be treated. But how does she treat my father? With the same contempt. I hope Little Brother can know how he should be treated.

I think that my mom married my dad because she thought that if she didn't, no one else would ever ask. She's always struggled with confidence issues.

But here's another bit of irony for you: we watched Fiddler on the Roof each New Year's Eve for 3 or 4 years growing up. What about the song, "Do you love me?" How has my mother not grown to love my father? He is a GOOD MAN.

Another ironic fact: My mother introduced me to the book The Peacegiver by James Ferrell. The main character in the book is a man who is struggling in his marriage. He resents his wife. The man has a dream in which his grandfather takes him through different stories from the Bible and teaches him about forgiveness and Christ's Atonement. The book doesn't end with a "Happily Ever After, " but it does end with the man wanting to try to save his marriage. He commits to looking past his wife's flaws and trying to see her the way Christ does. (It is quite possibly the best book I have ever read.)

My mother introduced me to this book. She is one of the most giving and caring people I know, except when it comes to m father. She has studied the gospel of Jesus Christ, and she lives it. Except in her marriage.

I don't understand it.

And I don't know: maybe she's been trying for the past few years to do better. I'm sure there are plenty of things I don't know about their marriage. But I DO know that my father loves her. He buys her gifts that she likes. He helps around the house. He flatters her. He tries to date her. He puts his arm around her. He's speaking all the love languages, but she isn't responding, let alone reciprocating.

Honestly, I'm surprised my dad has stayed as long as he has. I can't imagine being married to someone who never says something positive to me.

It's tough. My mom and I have always been so close, but this may end that. I know I don't have to and shouldn't take sides, but I'm having a hard time not taking my dad's side.

Then I had to go and watch tonight's Private Practice, where one couple decided to get a divorce. The husband didn't love the wife anymore, but wouldn't leave because he wanted to stick to his commitments. The wife still loved her husband, but said if he wanted her to leave, she would. He wanted her to go. So she did, with tears in her eyes.

I had tears in my eyes, too.

Because, really, I know that divorce is inevitable for them. And I'm okay with it. I'm far enough removed from the situation that it wouldn't affect my daily life. I've been aware of the status of my parents' relationship for quite sometime. I just feel so incredibly sorry for my dad.

And I'm mad at my mom for treating him so wretchedly when he's done nothing to deserve it.