I do not understand my mother

A few weeks ago, I went home for a quick visit.

It was a horrible trip.

The first few days were great. Lots of laughs and fun family times. My daughter had fun with my parents and it was all good.

Then 2 days before I left, it hit the fan.

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I went home to see my brother before he deploys to Afghanistan. He is leaving behind his wife and 3 children. My brother, who I'll Big Brother even though he's younger than me, has always had a tense relationship with my mother. And that Sunday night, it came to a head.

I'll spare you the details, but they yelled at each other. My mother was in tears. She insinuated that she thought Big Brother might hurt his son. My sister-in-law started yelling that she was sick of her husband being treated so badly. Emotions were through the roof. And it all went down about 30 minutes before extended family and friends were coming over.

It was wretched.

The next day, my father told me that that my mother has told him she doesn't love him. And that she probably never did.

OUCH.

He said he didn't know what her plan was. My Little Brother is graduating this year. Will she leave when he goes to school? Or wait till he's on his mission? Home from his mission?

Dad told Mom that he was going to tell Big Brother and I about their "situation."

I thanked my dad for at least talking to me about it. We spoke more about their marriage, then the conversation ended. That was the day before I left.

So now my mom knows that I know, but we still have yet to talk about.

I just DON'T GET MY MOTHER. If she wants to leave, just leave. Don't stay for the kids. You never stay for the kids. Does she think my Little Brother isn't aware of how messed up their relationship is? Does she think he doesn't see or hear her talking down to Dad, endlessly correcting or nagging or making him sound stupid?

Ironically, she's concerned about the youth in her ward right now. Apparently, the YW president is completely disrespectful and rude to the Young Men. My mother, who HAS a young man, has a serious problem with it. She doesn't want the young men to be disrespected, but she also doesn't want the girls to think that this is how people should be treated. But how does she treat my father? With the same contempt. I hope Little Brother can know how he should be treated.

I think that my mom married my dad because she thought that if she didn't, no one else would ever ask. She's always struggled with confidence issues.

But here's another bit of irony for you: we watched Fiddler on the Roof each New Year's Eve for 3 or 4 years growing up. What about the song, "Do you love me?" How has my mother not grown to love my father? He is a GOOD MAN.

Another ironic fact: My mother introduced me to the book The Peacegiver by James Ferrell. The main character in the book is a man who is struggling in his marriage. He resents his wife. The man has a dream in which his grandfather takes him through different stories from the Bible and teaches him about forgiveness and Christ's Atonement. The book doesn't end with a "Happily Ever After, " but it does end with the man wanting to try to save his marriage. He commits to looking past his wife's flaws and trying to see her the way Christ does. (It is quite possibly the best book I have ever read.)

My mother introduced me to this book. She is one of the most giving and caring people I know, except when it comes to m father. She has studied the gospel of Jesus Christ, and she lives it. Except in her marriage.

I don't understand it.

And I don't know: maybe she's been trying for the past few years to do better. I'm sure there are plenty of things I don't know about their marriage. But I DO know that my father loves her. He buys her gifts that she likes. He helps around the house. He flatters her. He tries to date her. He puts his arm around her. He's speaking all the love languages, but she isn't responding, let alone reciprocating.

Honestly, I'm surprised my dad has stayed as long as he has. I can't imagine being married to someone who never says something positive to me.

It's tough. My mom and I have always been so close, but this may end that. I know I don't have to and shouldn't take sides, but I'm having a hard time not taking my dad's side.

Then I had to go and watch tonight's Private Practice, where one couple decided to get a divorce. The husband didn't love the wife anymore, but wouldn't leave because he wanted to stick to his commitments. The wife still loved her husband, but said if he wanted her to leave, she would. He wanted her to go. So she did, with tears in her eyes.

I had tears in my eyes, too.

Because, really, I know that divorce is inevitable for them. And I'm okay with it. I'm far enough removed from the situation that it wouldn't affect my daily life. I've been aware of the status of my parents' relationship for quite sometime. I just feel so incredibly sorry for my dad.

And I'm mad at my mom for treating him so wretchedly when he's done nothing to deserve it.

Unmet expectations

My first-grader isn't doing so well at school.

We found out at his parent/teacher conferences that he refuses to write at school. He cries and says it's too hard.

I wasn't at the conferences, so I couldn't ask his teacher this, but my question was WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?!?!?!?

My son behaves like that at home, but I had no idea he did it in school. He kdg. teacher told me that the only time he cried in her class was when I was there and he wanted a hug good-bye.

He's behind 3 levels in reading, too. His teacher said to stop doing the homework she's been sending home because it's too hard for him. She has sent home other activities for us to do.

It's been hard. We spend a lot more time on homework now, because we're doing the extra activities along with the regular homework, since he needs the practice. We're also reading more each day. But it's been a struggle.

Tonight, Husband was helping with homework while I cooked dinner. He asked my son a question, and Son answered it incorrectly. Husband thought Son was getting it wrong on purpose and lost it. Son started to cry, insisting that he didn't do it on purpose and he really didn't know the answer.

Honestly, I don't know if he did it on purpose or not. I know he's done that in the past. When he thinks it's too hard to figure out, he'll just say anything. Which isn't good. But Husband's patience was gone.

The rest of the night was fairly tense. The same Son didn't want to eat his chicken at dinner. Son #2 didn't want to eat his rice. There were tears and serious discussions about children who go to bed with no food.

After dinner, there were fights between the boys. There was weeping and wailing at bedtime. There was anger and pouting during story-time.

I feel like I have failed my children. I haven't taught them enough to prepare them well for school. I should've done so much more with reading and writing. I know it's not too late, but Son #1 is seriously lagging. And Son #2 never finishes anything. He's a great helper at home, but definitely not as self-starter. If it's not fun or doesn't have an incentive attached, he probably won't do it.

Not to mention Son #1's tears. He's 7 and cries at the littlest thing. It's become a real issue and I don't know what to do. I've never wanted my kids to feel like they couldn't cry, and I guess that's back-fired on me.

I just don't know what to do to help them.

I need to pray and take this to my Heavenly Father, because it feels like too much for me to handle.

Update: I've spoken with son #1's teachers. He has done a 180 since parent teacher conferences when we learned of his struggles and started working more intensively at home. He is still behind, but has much more confidence and the teacher is no longer worried about him. Thank you, Father in Heaven.

Update on Husband

Things are better with Husband. I talked to my Bishop. Husband began to meet with a conselor from LDS Family Services. He was able to work through some of his issues.

Interestingly , he harbors no ill feelings toward his scout leader. He knows the man was sick. But Husband is upset with his parents, mostly his mother, for making him go to Scouts when he didn't want to. I have been present for a few of his therapy sessions the memories that he focuses on all have to do with his parents. I think that deep down, he hates his mother for making him go.

Husband went to a few therapy sessions this summer. They seem to have helped, but he stopped again because he didn't feel the counselor could help him anymore. After meeting with her myself, I agree. The counselor doesn't seem terribly competent.

I know that he still has issues to work through regarding his mother. Sundays are still rough for him, some more than others. I personally think he needs an anti-anxiety medication to take on Sundays, but that'll never happen. I'm also pretty sure he has sleep apnea, though that will go untreated as well.

So all in all, things are better with him, but not great. Scout uniforms creep him out. All this stuff about the Penn State pedophile creeps him out. Last Sunday he woke up from his nap just fine, but 30 minutes later eating our lasagna he became really scared for some reason. Was hunched over with his eyes darting. He looked like a scared little kid. After dinner he curled up into the fetal position with a blanket for nearly an hour. But that was extreme.

One really great thing concerning Husband is his relationship with our daughter. She LOVES her daddy. Much sooner and more than our boys did at this age. (Just over 18 mos.) She loves to give him kisses and hugs and runs to him when he comes home. She loves to sit on his lap and mooch food. She cuddles him and laughs and plays with him......and he is putty in her hands.

He's never been the kind to dote or wanted a "Daddy's Girl." But I think he's got one and he's not quite ready for it. It's pretty sweet.

The Husband needs help.

About 6 months ago, some memories from his childhood surfaced. Memories that involved a Scout leader and camping.

He had some really rough days where he couldn't get out of bed. Through a series of fortunate events, he started meeting with a counselor. It helped a bit. After a few months he stopped going, saying that he didn't think there was any more to discuss.

That's a lie.

He's had a few bad days since then. If scouting or camping comes up, it can give him bad dreams. If people touch his back, he gets jumpy. He's had anxiety attacks.

Interestingly enough, he doesn't hold much resentment or anger towards the scout leader. He understands that the man was sick in his head. (The man is currently serving time in federal prison for similar offenses against other boys.) But the Husband hates his mother for it. He has had several "episodes" involving his mother. Essentially, he has vivid dreams and lives them a little bit when he wakes. He actually looks like a little kid, hiding under his blanket. He repeats over and over, "Don't make me go. Don't make me go."

I respond in the way that he wanted his mother to respond. "You don't have to go. You can stay home. You never have to go back. I believe you."

But he doesn't believe me when I say those things. He just cries and asks why no one saw what has happening.

He harbors a LOT of resentment toward his mother for not seeing it. She is fiercely protective, but she didn't protect him at the one time he needed it most. I don't think he realizes that that is the reason he hates his mother so much.

So outside of the counseling he obviously needs more of, he also needs medication. He needs anti-anxiety medication. I believe he's also got some chemical imbalances and is in a clinical depression. I believe the resurfacing of his memories have greatly added to it, but I'm pretty sure he was clinically depressed before all this.

He doesn't sleep well. The man dreams all night. His mind is always going. He is never well rested when he wakes. He often asks me how I have the power to get out of bed in the morning. It takes all the willpower he can muster just to sit up.

But he's a man. So of course he is really resisting going back to a therapist. He met with one for a month or two in the summer, but then felt things were better and and decided to stop. His therapist supported the decision. I never went to a session with him and I wish I had. I know there's a LOT more he needs to work through.

He STRONGLY resists the thought of medicating for any of this. Hates taking Tylenol. Hates hates HATES medication. Thinks he can just suck it up.

But he was barely able to get out of bed yesterday because his dreams were so vivid. He was afraid to get out of bed. He was able to pull it together just enough to make it through church. But right before we left, we were in the garage and I could see how hard it was for him -- that he was still afraid. I suggested taking two cars so he could come home if he needed it. The most terrified look came over his face. Like it was just TOO MUCH to think about having to drive. I backpedaled and told him to never mind. I held his hand and told him that it was okay and to take a deep breath.

At the beginning of the month, again on a Sunday, he had a REALLY bad episode. He could not get out of bed and actually stayed home from church. If you knew The Husband, you would realize what a big deal that was. He never ever misses church. But he could not pull himself out of it.

I think that most of the episodes occur on Sunday because that's where the leader was -- at church. And there are always announcements about Scouts at church. I shared this theory with him last night -- that his subconscious knows what's coming the next day and relives past fears.

We had a good talk and I think he's considering more seriously going back into counseling. But I know that he also needs medication, and that means going to a different level of care........

I just don't know what to do for him.

I guess I can pray. I know that the Lord loves him and wants him to be well and whole. I guess I just need to have faith and be there for him, whatever he chooses to do.

About my mom

I talked to my mom the other day on the phone. It was close to dinner time, and I was saying that I wasn't sure what I was going to cook. I told her I wanted to make something the Husband really liked because his job has really been stressful of late. I've been trying to make life at home as good as it can be since his job sucks.

My mom said, "Well, you know, you do what you can."

Like the idea of doing something nice for her husband was very foreign to her.



And no, nothing about their marriage has ever come up in conversation. I've decided that if she's not going to talk about it, then I'm not either. I mean, what could I say? "So, have you decided if you're leaving Dad or not?"

She's talked about the possibility of going to beauty school -- becoming a hairdresser. But it'll cost a lot of money. I have a feeling she's considering it so she'll have income in the event of a divorce. She's come to me for advice or just my thoughts on the matter and I can't tell her what I think.

Because what I think is this: If she's doing it to fulfill herself, fine.

If she's doing for a safety net, I DON'T WANT HER TO HAVE A SAFETY NET.

Now, I obviously don't have all the facts on their marriage. But I did live with them for 18 years, and have observed quite a bit as an adult. My dad adores my mom. He lives his life to make her happy. He helps around the house, tries to be romantic, cooks, and is funny. He is more passive as a parent, which I know is frustrating for my mom.

But to my knowledge, my father has never cheated. He has never beat any member of his family. The harshest I ever remember him being was when I was 8 years old. We were on family vacation, sleeping in a hotel. My brother and I weren't going to sleep and just kept giggling all night. My dad yelled at us to SHUT UP. And we did. But that is the only time I remember his raising his voice or using "harsh" language.

I don't know why my mom feels the way she does. I realize that I don't know the details of their marriage, so I probably shouldn't judge.

But its my parents. And I don't know how they are going to end up.